SWIMMING WITH ORAGAMI

Goddamnit, how dumb are these mother fuckers?

2012-02-15T09:37:00.002-05:00

I was working with a prof. at the local secondary high school here in the Ville that has two readings packets. He initially had titled them "Prof. Spunknugget's Hand Outs." Since that was not correct because we sell them on the shelves, and I didn't want to confuse the little mouth breathers from the get-go, I changed the title to "Developmental Writing I&II."
Shit- I'm leaving a huge piece of information out here. These two classes are Developmental Writing, as in, PRE-ENGLISH-ENGLISH-CLASSES. Not smart enough to get into college? Don't worry; for a mere 3 grand of tax dollar funded financial aid, we'll teach you the English that you should've been learning in the previous 12(or 13 or 14)years of tax payer funded school. Then you too can read and write three years below your age level.
O.K., so Professor Dickinhand doesn't like Developmental Writing on the cover because he doesn't want anyone in his class to feel shame. Whatever. I suggested new titles for his packs, thinking that they would instill a sense of ownership of the student over their education. Because they have to take 090 and then 091, I suggested "Strategies for Success in Composition," and "Continuing Success in Composition." Sweet, right? Well, it turns out to be not so much.
Here's the copy from Prof D's last email:

"Logical, but I would prefer a completely different name for one of them. Later. It is a small matter, but I also would prefer a shorter title."

Shorter? Your students need to read a shorter title? Do I have to learn to phonetically spell grunt noises? Moses in a moshpit, are these people really that dumb? Fuck it; I have your two new titles. "Quest for Fire" and "Clan of the Cave Bear." Eat a slow roasted cock with ass juice, mother fucker. I'm done teaching kindergarten.

It's easy- you just don't lead 'em so much

2012-02-02T17:03:00.003-05:00

I got my first confirmed raccoon kill last night. It was in the crotch of the elm tree, and when I turned the flashlight on him, he turned as he got inquisitive and sat there looking at me.
You know how their eyes glow when the light is shined on them? Well, they make great targets. He fell like a turkey dropped from a helicopter onto the ground, bleeding from the head. Anyone want a coon-skin cap?
I don't think I'm going to have anymore raccoon troubles.
"Where's Rocky?" "He ain't commin'."
So to recap, that's 18 oppossum, and 1 raccoon. I'm fine with nature as long as it doesn't come near the house.

I'm not dead, just boring

2012-01-23T17:24:00.002-05:00

Things have slowed down enough in the war department for me to send this telegram:

John Raymond thinks I want to move back to Charlotte. He's even said that there's a job offer and that all I need to do is shoot him a number.
Alright, John, here's your number: 140. That's my current bowling average. If I move to Atlanta Junior, I won't be able to drink, I mean, bowl almost every Saturday with someone who is just as pathetic of an excuse to call a bowler as I.

The next thing I'm sure he'll try to do is hook me up with someone as a draw to get me down there. Just because there's 480 miles between the Ville and his la-la land doesn't mean that the women are any more logical, or less of emotional train wrecks.

Maybe it's just the idea of living back in the town with no identity, and maybe it's the idea that I have a ton of family in the Ville that is keeping me here, or maybe it's the fact that I'll be forty this year and my giveadamner is broken. Whatever it is, I'm having a hard time seeing myself move (again)to Charlotte (again).

It would be great to be near the Yankee again, re-hashing stories that were absurdly boring and mostly retarded the first time they were told, and getting to see his kids on a regular basis, but that would be six or seven people I would be around versus leaving my brothers, not to mention the Pot Belly Republic, behind. Not to mention eating over at the Wolf's house.

I heard that the Corpsman was moving to North Carolina, but if you put that in the positives, I would have to argue. Have you smelled that man?

Oh well, I'll run some numbers and see what's up.

Kein Feugo Last Night

2011-12-12T17:05:00.003-05:00

It was too cold for me to efficiently work in the yard, so I spent most of yesterday deciding if I was going to stop watching HBO long enough to make some raisin-black walnut cookies. Around 5PM I decided I would. Then, I realized I had no eggs. Not because I'm male, but because I up and forgot to get the mother fuckers while I was at the store getting everything else.
Instead of plopping my ass back in the chair, I decided to cut most of the wood I had in the basement, which is an excellent way to have firewood and listen to Bryson.
After several hours, I thought I'd catch the last episode of "Boardwalk Empire," as I rarely catch shows when they're first on due to people being over and having a fire.
I look at my watch, and it's 10:30. Boardwalk came on at ten. Well, shit. Back downstairs it is. I cut enough to make it pretty damn warm tonight.

In a separate note: This would be the best fishing boat ever. I want it.

Fuck Indiana. I mean it. And while I'm at it, fuck east enders too.

2011-12-05T15:59:00.003-05:00

One of the bridges going from the Ville to Indiana is closed for repairs, which means that an extra 40 thousand cars get directed over the two. I65 (the best thing to come out of Indiana that didn't have Hefner staples across her midsection)is always backed up now, and so local traffic generally goes over the 2nd street bridge.
My co-worker and I decided to eat lunch at Famous Dave's Barbecue in Indiana instead of driving all the way out to Hurstborne Lane (remember that fun drive, Ted?) because it would take too long.
Long story short, on the way back, the traffic to even the 2nd street bridge was way backed up. Figuring that is was only temporary, I stayed in the lane I was in instead of getting back on to the slow ass 65.
We stayed in the same lane.
10 minutes went by.
20 minutes went by.
30 minutes went by.
Co-worker check his traffic app. Fatality wreck on the 2nd street bridge. Shit (yes I am selfish. Sorry for the departed's luck, but at this point it has been over thirty minutes since I ate. Trouble is soon to brew in the Kaiser's south end).
The bridge was closed, but expected to be open by three PM. Not bad, that's only an hour.
3PM rolls around, and an update on the bridge. Now hoping to have it open by four. Shit.
We got to an area where I could turn off the street, and then drove to a drug store where I was able to say goodbye to breakfast and what seemed like a gallon of urine.
I spent the next half-hour sitting in the parking lot having some water, eating goldfish crackers and staring at the non-moving traffic.

We returned to the office around five. Longest lunch break I've taken.

Found out today that the driver of a truck had a seizure, crossed the double yellow and plowed head-on into a car. Everyone had to be cut from their vehicles, and the driver of the car was pronounced dead at the scene.

If the fucking east ender's hadn't fought for the last ten years a road plan that was in place in 19 fucking 65, we would've had another bridge and much of the traffic wouldn't even need to go through downtown. That's what big money does; it purchases other peoples' lives.

It's alive! (unlike most of Ted's patients)

2011-12-01T11:14:00.002-05:00

So, these last two days have had the coldest two evenings so far for which I have had a fire.
As the stove warms up, you can tell how hot the stove is getting do its voice. While warming, the stove tink-tink-tinks rather quickly. As it cools, the tinks are a slightly lower pitch, and occur less quickly. This is how I determine when to load in more wood, even if the outdoor heater is full of flame, because I don't want to have to react to the fire, I want it to do my bidding.
Last night I was drinking some beer, watching the first season of Northern Exposure, and generally trying to heat the outside when the urge hit. No, not to masturbate, but to drop the kids off at the pool. From the pain that struck, it was going to be less of a gentle wave good-bye than it was going to be an evacuation of everything from my neck to my belly button.
Due to the fact that there are some things even I won't do from my back porch, inside I went to begin my calisthenic movement (didn't Brahms compose that?). Twenty minutes later, I returned to the porch to find the fire almost out. I threw a couple of smaller pieces of ash in to get the flame up and prepare the stove for serious flamage. One piece rolled off to the right side and caught fire almost immediately. I went to the fridge to re-beer, and from inside the kitchen I heard a loud TUNK, followed a couple seconds later by TUNK-TUNK. Holy shit, what the fuck?
It turns out that the stove, while heating on one side, was still cooling on the other, and the temperature change had caused the stove to expand on one side, but contract on the other, and the stove shifted, or "walked" to the right.
"Oh shit! I have to move it back or it will separate from the flue!"

I knelt down and grabbed the legs of the stove in order to drag it back to the original spot. Did you know that even the legs of the stove get pretty hot?
You do now, and so do my missing fingerprints.

Hmm...

2011-11-29T07:58:00.002-05:00

nothing of any importance happened yesterday. Today doesn't look too different.

Had a guffaw

2011-09-26T13:34:00.002-04:00

This Amish guy sees a man in a tie drinking from his farm pond. He walks up to the guy and says in German, "Don't drink from the pond; horses and cattle shit in it."

The man wearing the tie stands up and says,"Buddy, I'm a Tea-partier and an American. I speak english. Now what did you say?"

The Amish man clears his throat and says in broken english, "Use both hands; you'll drink faster."

The reports of my demise have been greatly intoxicated

2011-09-19T12:33:00.003-04:00

My seasonal passtime of splitting wood for the republic is now a second job, so I haven't had much time to do anything other than work and beat up on the Seawolf at the bowling alley.
Speaking of which, Wolf's son turned 21 last week, so we have an extra drunk at the PBR. We will need to change his title, as he hasn't cut my grass in a while, and is no longer a DD. You know what else he hasn't done? Bowl well. Like father, like son I guess.

In other news: I have to report to the courthouse on Thursday for jury duty for the federal 9th circuit court. Hopefully they don't dig too deep into my past, or I'll find myself on the other side of the railing in the courtroom.
I knew I held onto my "Cop Killer" t-shirt for a reason.

fucking jackass

2011-08-05T09:37:00.001-04:00

This has been eating at me more and more.
There were plenty of open spots.

and the hits just keep on coming

2011-07-30T09:53:00.001-04:00

From Reddit. Fucking so funny it's not really

2011-07-26T14:57:00.002-04:00

150th Anniversary

2011-07-21T17:14:00.002-04:00

Today, one hundred and fifty years ago, the Union army got its Manassas kicked by the confederates.

let the bloodbath begin...

Dear world; I fucking hate him too

2011-07-15T19:04:00.002-04:00

Mitch Mcconnell has always been a right wing idealogue. He got Goldwater to come and campaign in Louisville when Mitchy was in college for Christ's sake.
I have been voting against him since I got my voter card.
Please don't blame me for my state's least favourite son.

An oldie but a real goodie

2011-06-30T17:38:00.002-04:00

Several years ago the owner of the company wanted me to draft a letter to UPS since I was, as he put it, "A lot better at showing anger than I am."
I found this on a jump drive I was cleaning out. I believe he actually signed it and mailed it.
Enjoy.

Dear Mr. DooDoo head,

A couple of months ago I shipped over 200 boxes of college texts from Nashville to Louisville using your company. Upon receipt of the shipment, the count was 31 boxes short. We waited an extra day, thinking that maybe they would show, seeing that you guys are a bit busy. The boxes didn’t come in, and we started the claims process.
After jumping through all the hoops that entailed, I waited for the check that would make amends for the situation. What I received was startlingly appalling. I received $158.13 for 31 boxes of books.
Not only is that pathetic, but do you expect me to believe that you think college books are cheap? Try to stay with me here as I do some math for you, as I’m sure this can be used as educational materials for your claims department. 158.13 divided (that’s the minus sign with a dot above and below it) by 31 equals 5.10. $5.10 cents a box of college textbooks? Seriously now. A FIVER AND A DIME PER BOX? That’s not only an idiotic notion, it’s criminally negligent. You can barely buy two college texts for $158.13. The people that work for you went to college, didn’t they, or do you try to fill your diversity quota with numerically challenged dolts right out of kindergarten?
Now, I know that you’re going to cower behind the “you didn’t get the insurance” clause of the bill of lading, which, by the way, is in so small a print that I wouldn’t be able to read if I were carrying the Hubble telescope, but $158.13 for 31 boxes?
I’m not asking for the world here (which you seem to offer in the commercials), but I’m also not looking to take it in the pooper. It would cost me almost cost me $158.13 to ship 31 boxes. Is that what you’re refunding me?
If you look at the number of 31 boxes, it seems to me that they would constitute one pallet. Are you guys in the habit of losing pallets of books? Aren’t they kind of easy to spot, being on top of those wooden things? If the books were damaged, I’d like to see pictures of the monkeys you hired trying to read those big words inside. At least then I could laugh instead of practice my sailor’s vocabulary every time I think of your company.
As UPS is a large company, I would appreciate it if you would send me some dice. If the planets align and they make it to me, I could at least roll the official UPS dice every time I ship something, seeing as it’s a gamble anyway.
I realize that your company had an earnings dip this last quarter, but do you think that stealing from honest customers is the way to boost your numbers? I’d hate to think that a company that can ship a killer whale would have to resort to selling books on-line in order to stay in the black.
You might want to change your ads to read, “What can brown do TO you,” seeing that if you don’t get the “buy up” option on shipping, you’re screwed if something goes wrong. All I wanted was my books, but instead you gave me the shaft.

Sincerely,
Lick My Balls Motherfucker

Me thinks that someone isn't

2011-06-17T09:58:00.000-04:00

The other day I went to the local Kroger on an empty stomach, which is the worst no-no to do next to asking a jewish settler if he can make the fire bigger. I came for five items, but while strolling through the deli, I saw packages of the different sliced meats, with packages of sliced cheese above them. Seeing these I decided that a reuben was in my future. Snag a loaf of pumpernickel and I'm on my way.
I get the package home, tear into the mother fucker, and make a sandwich. Not a true reuben as I did not cook it, but my belly didn't know the difference.
As I was putting the lid back on the container, I noticed that there were instructions on the underside of the lable that was stuck to the lid. There was an ingredient list, and below that there were instructions. Fucking instructioins on how to make a fucking sandwich. I shit you not.
So, this jolts two questions immediately:
1) Why the fuck aren't the ingredients on the outside of the package somewhere? I'm sure there are people out there who haven't had a reuben that, if offered, may try one if they knew what the fuck was on it.
2) Who the fuck needs instructions on how to make a fucking sandwich? Aren't all sandwiches pretty much the fucking same? Some form of meat- check. All the other shit that makes this sandwich unique- check. Cheese on top- check.

What is a person supposed to do? open every package to see what kind of sandwich to make? Are the instructions there in case someone buys a package of sliced corn beef gets it home, and while making their usual corned beef and banana sandwich they see them and decide to go back to the store for pumpernickel and kraut?

Fucking jackasses.

Riots in Vancouver?

2011-06-16T15:54:00.001-04:00

That's just Canadians acting like, well, canadians.

Since we're on 70's TV shows...

2011-06-13T16:29:00.000-04:00

Barney, divorce is like a horse with a broken leg. You can shoot the horse, but that don't fix the leg.

Where'd I put my rubber chicken?

2011-06-06T16:43:00.001-04:00

...but know this. You can cut me off from the civlised world. You can incarcerate me with two moronic cellmates. You can torture me with your thrice daily swill, but you cannot break the spirit of a Winchester. My voice shall be heard from this wilderness and I shall be delivered from this fetid an festering sewer.

Just because I like the picture

2011-06-01T15:39:00.002-04:00

Well, OK then

2011-06-01T15:11:00.003-04:00

This morning right after I came into the office the phone rang.
"Shinkledick Publishing, Andy speaking."
"Do you all do music publishing?"
"No sir, we don't."
"Do you know anyone who does, other than the music union?(whatever the fuck that is)"
"No I don't. This is only the second request I've had for that"
"Hmpf. YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!"
"No sir. If I were kidding, I would say something like, 'what would you do with an elephant with three balls? You walk him and pitch to the rhino.' "
"HMPF *pause* FUCK YOU. GOD DAMNIT. FUCK YOU." He hung up the phone

This, um, gentleman has two obvious problems:
1)He's suffering from HIAS.
2)He has no sense of humor.

Whoever it was, I have to thank him for a good morning laugh.

Thomas, you Mother Fucker

2011-05-30T14:18:00.001-04:00

All good things must come to an end

2011-05-18T15:55:00.003-04:00

I took the "Jerry Abramson Sucks" sticker off the back of my car. David Williams is now the official Redumblican candidate for governor, and I don't want to even seem like I support that fucking jackass in the least, the fucking hypocrite.
The mother fucker is against expanded gambling, but yet won $10,000 dollars on a race when he was at Churchill Downs on Derby weekend. He then collected everyone's losing tickets to go agains his winnings for tax purposes. Then, and this is mui fucked up, tipped the girl that was working his suite $20. For the entire weekend that she worked serving drinks and food to the 15 people in his suite.
I'd'a ripped that fucking bill in half and shoved it up his asshole.

I read a comment on a news story, and the guy called him "Blackjack" Williams.

I LIKE CHOCOLATE MILK!!!

2011-05-12T15:55:00.000-04:00

We have a downs syndrome guy that comes in and works every Tuesday for a few hours. He's graduating from his work program tonight and a bunch of us are going. I try to be caring and understanding, but what can I say? It's just not me.
I like the guy, but I'm sure my urge to make jokes will take over.

Well, back to sensitivity training.

Yes, beer shit is the official smell of the PBR

2011-05-05T14:04:00.002-04:00

beer shit The Beer Shit is a phenomenon that occurs the day after a particularly heavy drinking session. Students are particularly vulnerable.

The 'victim' awakens and spends the first few minutes in a daze, trying desperately to remember where they were last night, when they came back, who they came back with and how they managed to take their jeans off and climb into bed the wrong way round without taking their shoes off. The 'victim' then becomes aware of the irresistable urge to empty their bowels. This process is known as the 'Beer Shit'.

It is not unusual for the Beer Shit to be stubborn and to insist that the 'victim' empties their bowels at least three times during that day in order to complete the job. The amount of toilet paper required to clean up after each 'mini-Beer Shit' is substantial, as is the stench that fills the house afterwards.

However, once a particularly nasty Beer Shit has been despensed with, the 'victim' feels infinitely better immediately and is ready to commence alcoholic consumption straight away to start the process again.
Derek's drinking exploits last night lead to a particularly nasty Beer Shit emerging from his rectal passage this morning.
by Jon Fox Jan 15, 2005

Hold on there hypocrite

2011-05-03T09:29:00.004-04:00

This morning I was running up and down the dial of the radio trying to find a station that wasn't playing gaudy country music, crappy R&B (the good days of R&B are over), or talking about Ofuckme Bin Killedhim. I was never successful long term, so I kept pressing the up button on the seeker. That's when I hit it: Creationism Radio.
How quaint. People still believe that the Earth is 6,000 years old, and that God created everything in 7 days. No 4billion year old earth, no evolution, no extinction, no errors in the bible (small b on purpose here).

Well, I have several questions for these people that can only be answered outside of the paradigm of knowledge through religion.

The Jewish people as a culture are in something like year 6100 by their calendar, and they admit they weren't the first people on the planet. There goes your young Earth argument.

Next up, please explain to me how antibiotics that worked a mere forty years ago are no longer effective against infection. This is on a microbiological scale. Just imagine how more complex organisms could adapt and change over time to become, well, human beings as we know them. Damn, you can hear their argument start to auger in.

Go find me a live dinosaur. Can't? then agree about extinction, or, for that case, just stop using gasoline. It's bad enough you guys are sucking on my oxygen. Holy shit- it's like I'm the Red Barron.

And finally, humans are fallible, and languages don't translate word for word, so we started from an oral tradition, where we know that exaggerations never happen (As a fisherman, I know for a fact that I have never embellished a story), to a written one, albeit in an ancient language. After that we had translation after translation, until we got what we have now. Whatever you do, don't quote the King James version, which was translated specifically under the direction of and for the fancies of a British monarch.

I tell you what: turn in your voter registration, stop driving, and perhaps hold your breath a bit longer than doctors recommend.

Saw this on the interwebs...funny

2011-04-22T12:04:00.001-04:00

Latest News from The Middle East:-

نور اگر رفت سا پا ست نقش دار و چشم خه ما نقش سا دگر نمدان نور اگر رفت سا. ر رفت سا پا نست نقش دار و چشم خه ما نقش سا دگر نمدان نور اگر رفت سا پا نت نقش دار و چشم خه ما

If we hear anything else, we will let you know.

I think it's only right

2011-04-16T17:51:00.002-04:00

I repaired the container that holds all my sewing supplies. So I fixed the thing that helps me fix things. Ah, opposable thumbs and a brain. Take that, Hoosiers!

thank you for helping

2011-04-14T21:56:00.003-04:00

I cleaned out the beer boxes emptied at the PBR so far this burn season, and here's the tally:
24 six packs of premium beer
2 four packs of Guiness
4 thirty packs
33 twelve packs
2 twelve packs of Abita (thanks Ted)
AND
56 eighteen packs.
This is a total of 1700 beers drank on the porch this winter.

This is 159.37 gallons, or for our minister of silly units, 5.31 bathtubs full of beer.

Of course, this doesn't count the numerous boxes that went into the stove.

My liver thanks you all.

Katy Perry's pussy probably looks like the tee box on the 18th hole of the Down Syndrome Invitational

2011-04-14T09:37:00.002-04:00

Some guys at work were talking about KP, and I mentioned Russel Brand and the fact that she's from up north.
I was told to stop ruining their fantasies. Fair enough.

Don't do that! Oh, wait...never mind.

2011-04-13T10:28:00.002-04:00

A couple of the ladies next door were home when I pulled up in my driveway yesterday evening. I heard some commotion out back, and upon investigation I saw that they were putting together a gas grill.
As comical as it is to watch women try to use tools with which they are in no way familiar, they eventually finished. As one of them was wiping down the lid (can't have finger prints on it, that make the burgers taste bad), I was thinking, "Jesus, putting a grill on the porch? That's asking for a, ah, um, yeah. Enjoy your burgers.

Damn, now I want a beer

2011-04-08T13:00:00.001-04:00

Another crockpot and cornhole Friday is a success. Get you some.

Best team in America

2011-04-05T09:32:00.000-04:00

I don't fucking think so, Kimba. Congratulations; Ucon won the worst played game ever.
88 missed shots? Seriously?

Oh, 'Doba, why do you do this to me?

2011-03-29T12:44:00.002-04:00

Tuesday is double points day at Q doba, and every Tuesday I eat until I have to move my belt out a notch. I do this knowing full well that I will experience a burrito-induced coma.
Well, I kind of mixed it up today by ordering off the craft-two menu. Mexican gumbo and two tacos. Oh, holy shit that stuff was good. It was "Shit I wish I had two stomachs" good.
I believe I have a new Tuesday regular lunch get. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go find my pillow...

OOH! Maybe I'll go out tonight

2011-03-18T09:28:00.002-04:00

Fireplug was over last night, and so was Camper Dan. Since nothing is set for tonight, I might go see the Fauxgues at the Nachbar. Yes, a Pogues tribute band. Nothing bad could ever happen from this...

Now I have to carve another sign

2011-03-17T14:40:00.002-04:00

http://www.talklikeapirate.com/piratehome.html

Seeing as Sept 19th is talk like a pirate day, I've decided to carve a new sign to hang at the Busted Rudder for one day a year only. On that day the Rudder will come down and be replaced by the beak of a parrot. The bar for the Pot Belly Republic will be known as the "Parrot's Pecker."

Damn...I should make some of those out of painted plywood. I bet I could sell million of those things. Well, maybe two.

A pox on the people that passed the strip club ordinance

2011-03-15T16:51:00.001-04:00

I've been in the mood to look at some titties. I don't want to own them, I just want to rent them.

Yo, ho, blow the man down

2011-03-03T15:34:00.002-05:00

My co-workers are out, so I'm fartin' all up in this bitch!

Is it wrong to mess with the retarded guy?

2011-03-01T11:29:00.003-05:00

We have a mentally handicap guy come in every Tuesday and work a bit(yes, there are many jokes to be made here at my or my co-workers' expenses).
Anywho, like many handicap people, he has his own particular way things should be, and be done. One of his hang-ups is that he hates it when doors are left open. I feel obligated to fuck with him a little bit over this and purposefully leave doors open in his presence just to watch him stop what he's doing and say (what I think he's saying), "You should shut the door. The doors need to be closed" at which point he will walk to wherever the door is and shut it.
I'm not trying to make fun of him, as he's a good fella and clean better than any of the yahoos that work here. It's just that I'm a button pusher.

Hmmm...quandry

Well, except that the rest of the region wants them dead...

2011-02-25T15:36:00.002-05:00

There were some protesters on campus today with signs and a banner. The people were walking around campus yelling that the U.S. should stop giving military aid to Israel. They also had people with them handing out pamphlets with info about the "atrocities" that Israel has done to the Palestinians, and one of these guys happened to run into me.
Him: Do you want some info about what the Israelis are doing to the Palestinians?
Me: Don't you mean keeping them in their place?
H: The Palestinians were there before the creation of Israel.
M: Yeah, well Europe pretty well told the Jews they didn't want 'em, so we had to put them somewhere.
H: I don't think you're getting the point, this is about human rights.
M: I don't think you guys are getting the point. If the United States stops giving military aid to Israel, then every country around there will take the opportunity to kill every Jew they can find. How about those human rights? I tell you what- you can wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up first. It ain't gonna happen. Good day.

Please welcome the new Mrs. Kaisers

2011-02-08T15:03:00.003-05:00

I was Obamaized

2011-01-27T17:10:00.002-05:00

Next up- Universal bull shit.

I think I've been playing with my smart phone too much

2011-01-23T18:12:00.003-05:00

I put in a dvd earlier, and went into the kitchen while the anti-copying stuff was on. When I returned to the livingroom, the menu options had come up. I pressed the area on the TV screen that read "play." Yeesh.

We need a new name

2011-01-18T16:52:00.002-05:00

Since the seargent no longer is one, we need to get him a new name and title.
I'm calling him the Skipper right now, as he is the captain, wears a blue shirt and calls everyone Little Buddy. The difficulty is that the head of our Eskimo Sales Division fits the role much better.

Just to Show that Character has Nothing to Do with It

2011-01-09T11:29:00.002-05:00

Our Seargent at Arms got his railroad tracks. That's right- Jeremy's now actually going to be in charge of a fire scene. Thankfully he's in a different district than the Republic, so I don't have to worry about acting like I don't know him if anything happens at the house.

Why no one's life should ever be left in my hands

2010-12-26T13:49:00.003-05:00

This is the time of year when I'm running in circles at work trying to do three or more things at once. I am reminded constantly that I'm not THAT detail oriented, and sometimes can be just plain scatter brained.
Last semester several times when the phone rang I tried to answer the following:
Stapler, calculator, hard-shell glasses case, and a burrito (the yummiest phone call ever).
This semester while looking at my computer screen I picked up the computer mouse and put my index finger on it, only to find that it wasn't indeed a calculator.
Conversely I also put my hand on my cell phone that was laying on the desk and started to move it around and wondered why the pointer was not moving on the computer screen.

Speaking of my cell phone, I was talking to someone down in Charlotte when I was reminded that a professor was going to call me. I immediately reached for the pocket where I normally keep my phone (when it's not doing double-duty as a computer mouse), but couldn't find it. I started to get frantic, wondering where the damn thing could be when I realized that it was in my left hand, and that was how I was talking to someone in Charlotte.

The entire AMA couldn't afford the malpractice suits that I would incurr.

The introduction of the monthly FUCK YOU list

2010-12-20T07:31:00.003-05:00

I listen to the news during the day, and there are some groups that need a big middle finger shoved in their faces, so the inaugural FUCK YOU goes to the following groups:

Retarded militant muslims (not capitalized on purpose)
Stupid mid-easterners trying to eradicate Israel
Stupid Israelis making settlements in land that ain't theirs
Mitch McConnell and the party of no
Somali pirates. We should be able to hang them publicly again.
Tea Party idiots that still follow Gov. Mooseburger
Liberal idiots that live in la-la land and don't understand how things work
Anyone who votes based upon religion. Abortion ain't going away, and most of elected officials cheat and lie. Quit kidding yourselves.

This list ain't done.

LOOK! I DREW A PICTURE OF MUHAMMAD!

2010-12-17T09:15:00.001-05:00

I'm sure they had to push themselves up to laugh

2010-12-13T13:05:00.003-05:00

It snowed here in the Ville, and someone (not I) had foot-marked a giant pecker in the parking lot. Of course, there was a Jesus freak here, and so I mentioned that when she walks through that she's sure to be offended. My coworker then said, "Who doesn't like a good dick and fart joke? Tell her to complain to Jesus."
I then said that wouldn't work as Jesus was a guy, and therefore he would find it funny. I then said,"I'm sure that Dismas or Gestes squeezed out a tooter while on the cross, and they all had a good laugh."

"For he who believes in me will today accompany me in my kingdom, unless you keep shitting yourself. Damn, Gestes, it smells like something crawled up in you and died."

He was a meteorologist, for goodness sake.

2010-12-08T12:40:00.001-05:00

A weatherman— a German weatherman. These were not remediable deficiencies.

Holy sweet mother fuck

2010-12-06T16:36:00.002-05:00

The boss with his name on the building had the warehouse guys move the thermostat down from 63 to 55. I guess he feels he's not getting his money's worth unless he sees peoples' breath. This is just fucking ridiculous. I hope he enjoys the increased number of sick days coming up in the busy time.
At least I have a large printer heating my area. That, and he knows he can't turn down the heat in here lest the printer and the paper start to fight.

I'm glad you asked. No, as a matter of fact, he doesn't work in this building.

In other news: I'm getting tired of these fucking muslim countries trying to kill everyone that blasphemes the name of their prophet. Not their god, but their prophet. How tea-total refuckingtarded are you people? I can't wait for there to be no more oil so that those dipshits can go back to riding camels and eating sand. Take a hint from every other culture that moved out of that area. If the land isn't arable, then fucking move. You're not supposed to be there.
You bastards are only using islam as a means to keep your society down and discourage learning because it may bring your sorry asses into the age of reason.
fuck you bitches.

Let us Continue!

2010-12-05T19:16:00.002-05:00

A big hell-yeah goes out to the Head of EEOC of the Republic for bringing two truckloads of rounds over for me to split. There's cherry, ash, walnut, and holly. Anyone want to lend me a hand? It'll heat you twice: when you cut it up, and when you burn it. Mmmmm...heat.
I believe that when I get home from the house of the Chief of the Galley I will start a nice fuego. Mmmmm...fuego.
Last night it was thirty deg outside, and sixty-five on the porch (I didn't get the stove honkin' cause I was busy drinking beer).

Any joiners?

Bring on the cold and rainy. I got FUEGO!

2010-11-30T17:02:00.002-05:00

I visited a turkey this last week, and another one came over to help me drink beer and fish. It was a very good week: I must've drank about 30 Guinness while in Charlotte, and let me tell you, it's been a while since I've shit that black.

A good time was had by all.

yeah, about that...

2010-11-19T15:25:00.002-05:00

Fuckin' Toyotas anyway

2010-11-09T14:45:00.003-05:00

The driver's side door handle broke on my Camry. What the fuck is up with their goddamn handles anyway? I guess I should be happy that my car goes and stops totally under my control, but fucking shit that's annoying.

In other news after listening to the news:
I'm starting a new church. It's going to be called, "Church of Me Not Giving a Shit about Your ancient Bullshit Religion so You Have No Reason to Try to Kill Me."
It may be in response to sand eating camel fuckers calling for my death.

some new things I have to try

2010-11-08T15:44:00.005-05:00

Oh, sweet irony

2010-10-29T14:37:00.003-04:00

I had to get my driver's license renewed today. I thought the renewal card read 718 West Jefferson, so I figured I'd park my car at the old office and walk the four blocks to the courthouse. When I got to the courthouse and walked around a bit looking for the license office and couldn't find it, I took out the card to double check. Turns out the office wasn't at 718 W. Jefferson, but 718 West Main street, which was another seven blocks.
So, I walked 22 blocks round trip to renew my driver's license. Oh well, I got to walk off lunch.

I celebrated the eighth anniversary of getting my ass whipped by Jenny Raymond

2010-10-28T09:28:00.002-04:00

Well, another October 27th has passed, and with it many well wishes. Camper Dan threatened to bring a bottle of kickin' chicken, but I told him it would only be me and him, so he knows who I would punch when drunk. Turns out he brought a twelver over.
The Minister of Silly Units and Sergeant at Arms came over as well. Blazing Saddles played in the background as shit was passed.

'T'weren't cold enough to have a fire, but I'll take that. The longer it's warm, the less I have to fork over to LG&E.

Oh, Teddy Boy, the food, the food is waiting.

2010-10-13T09:34:00.002-04:00

So the Corpsman is coming to town. Don't know why; don't care. This means I'll be cleaning the house a bit.

In other news:

It was a shame to have a fire and not cook something on the stove, so last night we had Italian sausage last night on the porch.

This shit's funny

2010-10-07T17:12:00.005-04:00

This was forwarded to me, and it's cool as shit.

http://i.imgur.com/nb3e3.png

You'll have to copy and drop in explorer. Blogger's not letting me make the link for some reason.

work with me here people

2010-10-04T12:14:00.002-04:00

So, we have the new stove at the Republic, and the old one was brought to my co-worker's house. Jees-a-pete that thing was heavy. I had it on the furniture dolly heading down the ramp. When I got to the end of the ramp, the stove dropped off and damn near catapulted me into the yard.
I wasn't looking forward to me landing in the yard and the stove rolling over onto me. That would've hurt. A lot. Luckily I was able to remain earth-bound and not test gravity, because no matter how many times I try to defy, gravity always reminds me who's boss.
Anyway, I should be piping the new stove tonight, and after that pray for rain so I can properly start the new season of fuego.

I didn't get a harrumph out of that guy

2010-09-30T09:56:00.001-04:00

Apparently the hemorrhaging hasn't stopped. This game of duck-duck-goose is getting demoralizing.

Well, I probably won't be going back there anytime soon

2010-09-17T16:52:00.003-04:00

Several of us at work went to The Tilted Kilt for lunch, and, well, not so much.

Yes, the waitresses had huge knockers and tight asses wrapped in short tartan skirts, but there was also a twenty minute wait to get a table after looking for a parking spot for ten because the restaurant next to it had most of the parking lot marked off for it.

The TVs were so loud that everyone in the place had to yell in order to be heard, and the close proximity of the tables did not exactly portend a good eating experience. It was like being at a bar show without the ability to have enough alcohol to not give a shit. I wanted to stand and face the table next to us and explain to one lady that her laugh was stupid, she laughed at stupid shit, and that I didn't want to hear another word about how she went out last weekend and got so drunk that she and one of her friends were making up songs in the car on the way home (one assumes a third party drove). You know what that is? STUPID! I wanted to also explain to her that she was so ugly I'd have to shit on her face in order to make her pretty enough to fuck; but I digress.

The food didn't totally suck, but I've had better frozen dinners; especially for the number of clams I had to dole out and the time I had to wait for it. Not to mention the kitchen messed up our appetizer order, but that's understandable seeing as it was one of the more difficult things to prepare. I mean, fresh fried potato chips does involve the three-step process of cutting the potato, frying it, and then putting it in a dish to be taken to the table by the server.

At one point the waitress actually came out to the table and apologized that our food wasn't ready because the kitchen got slammed. Really? At lunchtime in a busy area the kitchen got slammed? Now, I've never worked in a restaurant, but I have planned a few events in my life. I'm pretty sure the bosses hadn't thought this one through.
I have an Idea: Fewer tables you jackasses! Or, even better, more help at the BUSIEST TIME OF THE DAY!

No sir, I don't think I'm going to return to there any time soon.

Wow, three Saturdays in a row!

2010-09-11T18:20:00.002-04:00

I woke up this morning and got out of be at 8:30. "What to do today?" I asked myself.
The answer was, "Make a bier holder for the back porch followed by taking measurments for the downstairs bathroom."
After doing that I decided to start cleaning the living room. While doing that I found the "Man with No Name" series of Clint Eastwood spaghetti westerns. I'm currently on "For a Few Dollars More." So much for cleaning the living room.
Next up: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. Ennio Marconni's masterful soundtrack to that movie is unrivaled with its ability to evoke the exact feeling of each scene.

Truthfully, the best part about these movies is the fact that you can take a nap in the middle and really not miss that much. Now, if I woke up, looked at the T.V. and saw someone driving a 57 VW bug in the desert, then I'd rewind and take a second look (as well as wonder how the Man With No Name got ahold of Herby).

Well, writing is taking me away from both the movie and my nap.
Chow.

I have a new themesong!

2010-09-07T16:44:00.001-04:00

If I didn't do the crime, I won't do the time

2010-08-25T13:44:00.002-04:00

Dear Hot chicks that come into work with an attitude:

If I ain't hittin' that, I ain't puttin' up with your attitude. Check your eye rolls and your sighs at the door.
Yes, I was looking at your tits. It might be because you have them hanging out looking like you're ready to be milked. I'll be glad to help you with that, but please take this sock and shove it in your mouth. If you stop letting air activate your vocal cords you would be so much more attractive.

I had to get out of there. I was getting ready to punch this one who used 'like' as seemingly every other word.

I thought the ones at the high school across the street were bad enough, but at the university they're just as horrid. Uggh.

That sounds mighty tasty

2010-08-15T16:24:00.002-04:00

Alright, everyone knows that I'm a huge fan of Funyuns. I mean, they're fun, and they're yun- it's right there on the package. I can eat the hell out of those things, and not give a porcupine's prickly ass what they do to my blood pressure.
Well, I just saw a recipe that our lupine friend is going to have to make. It's a simple green-bean casserole recipe that has funyuns instead of fried onions on the top. Mmmmm...a dish that has both green beans and funyuns. Life is good.
I wonder if I made the casserole, then wrapped it in bacon and put it in a smoker for a few hours...

Hey, Bill O'Lielly

2010-08-11T17:09:00.001-04:00

Noise proves nothing - often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she had laid an asteroid.

Mark Twain

Hold it, hold it, hold it. What the hell is that shit?

2010-08-09T17:12:00.002-04:00

I had an exchange with one of my new neighbors last night as I was taking out my recycle bins that had, shall we say, quite a liberal quantity of beer cans residing in them. It went like this:
"That's a lot of beercans."
"Oh, there're some bottles in there too."
"Wow."
"Taint all mine. I had some help with these."

This morning as I was leaving, I noticed that someone had come through the neighborhood and removed all the aluminum from people's bins, but left everything else. All I had left in two bins were five beer boxes and twelve bottles.
I thought, "Man, if you're going to take the cans, take all the other evidence too!"

I don't think she meant anything by her comment, but I hope this isn't leading to an argument, unless that leads to make-up sex.

Back to the Grind

2010-07-18T21:24:00.002-04:00

Not that some of you don't have hectic-ass jobs and work long hours, but this weekend marks the I.P. for seven days a week through the end of August. Now's the time on Sprockets when we work.
Waiting for the first week of Oktober. I don't want to wish my life away, but I do want to go fishing.

Well, ain't that a somethin'.

2010-07-04T10:29:00.002-04:00

My neighbors of almost 15 years moved out last week in order to find a single story home more suitable to their 70 year old hips and knees.
This left me with one question: Who will be moving in, and what are they like? O.K., that was two questions, but my main winter activity is at stake here, and I take that seriously. If some total jackass moves in, then it would have to be full-on warfare, and we all know that's not a great situation in which to find yourself.

So, I asked Betty, and she said, and I quote, "First it's going to be a couple of twin girls that go to UofL, followed by their sister who is student teaching, and then their recently divorced dad."

Yesterday was about 100deg outside, and I had some visitors/new residents next door in the pool.
All I have to say is Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn!
I'm currently accepting donations for lawyers' fees.

Sol love, Sol hate part 2

2010-06-25T21:57:00.002-04:00

So, I got my peppers in the ground and watered. The next day most of them were dead. I watered them, and some perked right back up. After that we had one day of cooler weather and one of hot. Out of over 150 plants I think I have twenty left. Shit.

Tomorrow I bring out the rest of my seedlings just for a few hours to try to harden them up. If not, I'm going to buy some plants that may just make it. I will have peppers.

Sun, I love/hate you.

2010-06-19T19:50:00.002-04:00

It never fails that everytime I plan on finally getting my peppers in the ground it will pour down rain the day before. Well, I decided that I wasn't going to be kept from my appointed rounds today. I weeded and weeded and weeded, sweating my ass off the whole day. After a while I just said "Fuck it" and decided to shower and get a beer.

I still didn't get my peppers in the ground, but I did pull my first ripe tomato from the garden.

Hammer, hammer everywhere, but not a nail to hit.

2010-05-20T17:50:00.003-04:00

My co-worker Guido moved into his house a couple of Saturdays ago. Well, mostly moved. And, as we all know from living in houses, they need shit done to them. Guido needed to run his washing machine into his sump, but had never before used most of the tools required for the job (by the way, whoever has my channel locks, I would like them back). He also didn't really have a clue other than what the guy at Lowe's told him, which is crap, because we all know that those guys aren't interested in instruction or actually helping you. They only want to get a great feeling of satisfaction that comes from letting you know that they're better than you, and that if you don't know what a canuder valve is, then you really shouldn't be attempting this job, but I digress.
Anyway, we were there in the basement, and Guido had never used a hacksaw, concrete bit, concrete screws, thread tape, a drill(extensively)or a hole saw. This is not to say that he is in any way stupid. It's just odd that someone outside of wall street or academia could reach the age of thirty years without some knowledge of basic tools.

We cut 2 inch PVC pipe. I showed him how to stand, work the saw, etc.
What I said: "Well, it's alright if it's a bit off."
What I thought: "Holy shit, dude- If this thing were any more crooked, it'd be in congress."

We used the hole saw in the plastic lid of the sump. It was a little more entailed than just using a drill.
WIS: "Pull the bit up, raise the rpms, and slowly add pressure to the back of the drill. That's why the drill's kicking back."

WIT: "Sweet Jesus- Don't jam the drill in there and then press the trigger. You smell that? It's the electric motor burning up."

Then we got to fitting and gluing the PVC. I showed him how to on one joint. After that, it seemed like an eternity. I understand not wanting to do something incorrectly, but it's plastic pipe. It's like Czechoslovakia- you zip in and you zip out.

WIS: "You probably don't need any more glue than that. It'll just take longer to inure."
WIT: "If you don't stop fucking with that glue I'm going to pee on your head. Seriously, just goop it, fit it, twist it and let it stand."

Anyway, Guido now has an idea what small jobs entail around the house. I know these things aren't a priori, but it took a lot to just sit back and just teach. I told him that if he ever needed copper work done, I'd do it for him, cause I'm not going to wait for the learning curve while he works with flame.

Kick Ass, the movie version

2010-05-06T12:02:00.002-04:00

That movie turned out not to be what I expected but was still very funny. Nick Cage actually does pretty well in it.
And the chick is hot. Not the 13 year old, Ted, the other chick. Put it back in your pants.

Ah, the post-Derby DT's

2010-05-03T14:31:00.001-04:00

Sing it with me now- Shake, shake, shake senora...

you gotta love someone else's network

2010-05-02T01:44:00.002-04:00

I'm typing from my lap in my living room. Wireless rocks.
You know who else rocks? Calvin Borel. The same route he took last year.
3 times in four years- Eddie Arcaro couldn't even do that.

Alright, Teddy Boy's got me wondering

2010-04-28T11:18:00.002-04:00

What are your favorite Non-restaurant junk foods? I say non-restaurant because all I'd have to say is "anything from the Granville" and it would qualify. However, if you make it at home, it's fair game.
We all know I dig on the funions. Jalapeno Cheetos rank up there too. I also like to heat salsa, refried beans, mix in a ton of cheese and eat a whole bag of corn chips with this dip.
While I don't count dicks and kraut as strictly junk food, it's also not totally healthy, so you'll have to vote on that.

An afternoon junkfood treat

2010-04-27T16:13:00.002-04:00

They're both fun and they're yun.

Maybe they'll fight with the whitecastles I ate earlier. I'm supposed to help my brother's scout group with woodworking tonight. This ought to be interesting. "This is the sound a rip saw makes..."

here's what happened, Ted

2010-04-24T14:17:00.003-04:00

After a sheissiger two leg flight back from working in Tampa, the Seawolf was there at the Woodford Reserve bar at the airport. We were going to have a glass of "i'm home" and then be on our way. Even though cousin Luke told the bartendress that I was on my way, after I sat down it took 8 minutes for someone to wait on me. Here's how it went:

Some kid in his twenties Slowly makes his way over to me. He kind of quickly twitched his eyebrows up and down instead of saying hello. He then asked wanna beer?
Yes, please.
I got ID? (are those required to fly these days?)
Yes I do. Here you go. (handed him my license)

He then says, "Bud light?" as he drops my id on the bar in front of my outstreched hand. As he slowly walks to the tap, I said aloud, "or, you can just drop it on the bar. I didn't have my hand open or anything."

He brings Luke and I a beer and sets them on the bar. He then said, "oh, I gotta get you some napkins." He reached under the counter and tossed several napkins on the bar between us.

I looked at him and said, "dude, you suck at this."

After those beers Luke recommended going to my house where the beer was cheeper.
Good decision.

What the hell happened to customer service

2010-04-23T16:09:00.001-04:00

Dear mr. asshole working at the Woodford Reserve bar at SDF:
Fuck you.

woo hoo

2010-04-02T11:36:00.001-04:00

Three days and twenty-six minutes to taco bell.

Is it too early to drink?

2010-03-23T08:41:00.002-04:00

I got to work a little after seven this morning since I couldn't sleep. On my walk to the Quickie Mart I yelled at the driver of a car in McFatass's drive through, a police officer who left his car running at a gas pump and a begging-ass retard on the corner who was yelling at (trying to scare people into giving him money)anyone on the corner. "You're lips move faster than your feet. You'll get no money from me."

Halefuckinlujia

2010-03-17T11:44:00.001-04:00

19 Days until I can get me some Taco Bell or Q-doba. I love you, Jesus, but damn I want a chili-cheese burrito.

Oh, sweet irony!

2010-03-10T12:14:00.002-05:00

I don't know if someone was filming this, but as I drove up second street on my way back to the office, I looked over and saw this little girl about three years old playing in the front yard...of the Planned Parenthood clinic. She seemed so happy, running around and laughing to herself. I wonder if mommy told her that she wasn't getting a little brother after all.

All I could think after I saw her was:
"WE GOT A SURVIVOR!"

I don't think we're going to be printing your book

2010-03-02T17:32:00.004-05:00

One of our staffers here took a phone call from someone who wanted "to get his stuff printed in a book."
As she told the story:
her- Andy's not in right now, but he should be back in about 15-20 minutes. Let me get your number for him to call you back.
him- I'm on a pay phone, so just put me on hold.
her- I can't do that. We only have one line and that would tie it up.
him- Why not? I can only be on for ten minutes on the pay phone. I'll wait for him. Hey, if he can talk in 15 minutes, why can't I talk to him now?
her- he's at our other location. He's not physically in the office.
him- well, I'm on a pay phone, so he can't call me back. I'll call him. *slam*

After I got in and waited another 25 minutes, he never called back. Kinda glad, actually.
It's almost as glad as that lady who sang her idea for a book "for the community."
Takes all types I guess.

They gave it to them.

2010-02-07T21:30:00.002-05:00

I honestly, honestly am tired of New Orleans. That fucking sewer has done nothing but take from this country for the last five years, and now I'm told that I should want them to win the super bowl because of Katrina?
Fuck you, New Orleans and the tear truck you rode in on. Fuck you too Indianapolis- never ask a Hoosier to do a man's job.
I realize my Steelers couldn't beat the school for the blind this year, but I think I'm finally over the super bowl being a big deal. From now on unless Pittsburgh or Notre Dame is playing in the Superbowl, I'm in it for the commercials (which pretty well sucked this year).
I have an idea. Go live somewhere that's above sea level

The Smack Heard Round the Bowling Alley

2010-02-03T12:04:00.002-05:00

Cousin Luke and I were staying true to our Labowski mentality this past Sunday when we said, "Fuck it- let's go bowling."

This past FILBG Sunday Lukes son, the Groundskeeper joined us in order that we could have one more person to make fun of as we knocked back some cold ones and missed the headpin. The first game was going well for Luke and I, but the groundskeeper couldn't buy a closed frame. When he finally got a strike, Luke high-fived him. Since I was standing next to Luke, I put my hand up and told the GK to "put 'er there." He gave my outstretched hand a hearty hit, but with his continued motion, after the five he proceeded to smack the living shit out of his pop.

I'm talking a good, old-fashioned leave a red whelp on the cheek smack. It was a beautiful hit that couldn't have been done better by a trailer trash mom in a Walmart.

I must've laughed for five minutes straight. I laughed so hard that people at the other end of the bowling alley looked to see who the fuck was making all the noise. Every time I looked at Luke holding his cheek I lost my shit. He got brat-slapped by his only child, and he couldn't do a fucking thing about it.

I laughed all the way up to and through throwing my next ball. I got a strike and put my hand up in front of Luke's face for the GK to high five, and Luke dead panned, "I'll kick you in the dick."

So much for brotherly love, but I'm still laughing.

Let's hear it for the PBRHAYCBC!

2010-01-25T16:14:00.003-05:00

Everyone that doesn't live in the Ville needs to come to the Ville for the first annual Pot Belly Republic Have A Y Chromosome Bowling Championships. All you need to bring is yourself, a bowling ball if you have one, and beer money. Food will be provided.

Time and date to be announced.

Well, you're going to see that

2010-01-21T11:10:00.002-05:00

I saw the new movie Sherlock Holmes last night, and the one really good thing I can say is that we had a fire on the porch while watching it. It wasn't the fact that the characters were barely recognizable from the stories, or the over-reliance on action to carry a poor story line. The giant iceberg that sinks this movie is the poor dialogue. Whoever wrote this movie was in no way familiar with 19th century British English.
Now, I don't know about you, but one of the greatest features of the cannon is the manner in which everyone speaks. The movie really needed someone to go through the script and change most of the dialogue. Watson's humor is not pawky, and Holmes's remarks are not as pointed or snide as they needed to be.
Don't get me started on the love fest between Sherlock and Irene. And they gave the Bobbies guns.

If I didn't know anything about the characters or background, it would have been a good movie, but as it stands, thhhhhppp!

Some of the lines I heard this week

2010-01-14T11:40:00.002-05:00

You gotta love community colleges- they're just so different from traditional research universities. The students are even more so.

Some things I overheard this week (so far):

What's a personal check?

Dat pack be for English class?

I was in da street and day tried to hit me with they car.

I had a fake ID, but it expired.

Them: How much will that cost?

Me: I don't know, and won't know until I finally hear back from the publisher.

Them: When will that be?

Me: I don't know. I've been waiting for three weeks on one article.

Them: But the professor said I could get this at [store name].

Me: And you will, after I hear from the publisher. Your professor has been notified about this.

Them: So you don't know how much it's going to be? Not even an estimate?

Me: I don't give estimates. I give exact prices after I hear back from publishers.

Them: What should I tell my professor?

Me: Tell him to check his voicemail.

Sharp as a:

I think you're missing the mark here, fellah

2010-01-08T10:14:00.002-05:00

I was watching a show on the History Channel last night (don't worry John- I still put in a twelve hour day) called 2010. This show started with the condition of our planet now, and extrapolated from there the condition of the planet in five year increments based upon calculations of population growth, deforestation, political climate, etc.

It was neat and all, and I liked how they made it more personal (intended) by focusing on one imaginary individual and how she would be forced to live as the planet changed. About my third beer into the show it struck me that the History Channel is now apparently the future channel. Either that, or someone flipped the wrong switch and sent the National Geographic channel feed to the history channel, a flop I'm sure flummoxed the NGC viewers who, I'm very sure, were wondering why Hitler or Nostradamus had appeared on their screens when they were expecting an exciting tale of how Gnus are milked in the Andes.

Stick to your purpose, History Channel! 15 years from now you can tell us how we fucked the planet. Thus the word "history." It's right there in your title. Besides, I'm watching you on a TV that is powered by electricity coming from a coal-burning generator plant. So if it weren't for me adding to my carbon footprint, I wouldn't know that I had a carbon foot print. Quite the conundrum, isn't it?

Let's see, 10% of nothing is, well, let me carry the 10

2010-01-03T18:54:00.003-05:00

Our fucking printers are down. The mighty Casey has struck out. I get to make a phone call tomorry. It should be a doosiey.

I'm getting ready to take a crowbar to one of them, and spray athother one out with a garden hose. "Oh, does water fuck up your electronics? You should've thought about that before you decided to start putting streaks on the fucking paper, mother fucker."

You fucking printers don't get it, do you? Take a lesson from my laptop. It may be able to beat me at chess, but it's no match for me in kick-boxing, you bitches!

Please God, don't let there be any pedestrians on the road when I leave.

It's less of a resolution as it is a wish list.

2009-12-31T22:25:00.002-05:00

I hope I'm not arrested for vehicular manslaughter.
Please don't let me punch a professor.
I would like to not answer the woodstove when my phone rings.
Throw in some nookie, and it's a deal.

that's about it.

Quiet please for the movie

2009-12-21T18:21:00.002-05:00

Getting pretty hectic at work with the onset of the new semester and all. I think I'm going to write down a lot of the shit that goes down at the end of the day at home and then transfer it to the blog as I have more time at eleven PM than I do right now.

It's getting fun.

in other news:
I went bowling after work yesterday, then came back and boxed a coworker on the Wii. I now know how Brittany Murphy died of cardiac arrest.

Nobel, schnobel

2009-12-15T18:02:00.002-05:00

I listened to O'Bama's speech to the Nobel committee, and holy cow. I liked it. Not only was it delivered well, but it pretty well laid everything out. If you get an opportunity and 36 minutes, it's a good listen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RSaoLPXjmyM&feature=related

It's your life dude, you decide

2009-12-14T17:36:00.003-05:00

I almost sent a bicyclist to one of Ted's local contemporaries today.

You see, we have bicycle lanes on our one-way streets here in the Ville, and it's great. Them bastards can have their lane, and I can have mine. Well, one rider apparently got "left foot on red" while playing traffic twister today and came out of the bike lane and started riding in the car lane. This I could not abide and started riding his ass. It was at this time that Mr. "I have a force field around my bike" flipped me off. WRONG MOVE!

I got around him and rode (mostly) in the lane next to him, easing him over ever so gently at 20mph. I kept getting the bird, and he kept getting pushed back into the bike lane.

I stopped at the next intersection for the red light. He flipped me off again and busted the light.

They wonder why there's no love for them.

Hoosiers, can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em

2009-12-04T14:52:00.002-05:00

I almost had a cement truck jammed up my tailpipe due to a stupid hoosier in traffic. Now that they're actually trying to have me killed, I must quote Doc Holliday from Tombstone. "That's it darlin' I really hate him."

what an awsome weekend to go to the lake, drink, and fish

2009-11-27T15:12:00.003-05:00

Wait a minute...HEY, THOMAS-

I wish I were three again so I could get away with this shit

2009-11-26T18:26:00.002-05:00

My uncle died last week, and the viewing was this last Sunday.
Little Johnny was running around, so I picked him up and walked toward the open casket. I asked him if he knew who was in the casket, and Johnny smiled, pointed at the crucifix and loudly stated, "I see Jesus!" He then pointed down at my uncle, and in the same loud voice said, "and he's dead!"
I buried my face in his jacket so people couldn't see me laughing, and then walked outside and proceeded to laugh so hard I heeped.

Uncle funeral part deux:
I was one of the pall bearers on Monday along with my brothers Darrell and three of my cousins. After the service at the Funeral home at the part where everyone walks past the open casket to either say goodbye or fuck you, each one of my uncle's grand kids put a golf ball in the box so he could play a round when he gets to Valhalla. Well, they migrated to the space under the bunting when the funeral guys moved the casket onto the box gurney, so that when we picked it up to take ole unc on his last car ride they decided to move.
Now, when I say three of my cousins along with the Darrells, you have to understand that my cousins are 6'5", 6'1" and 6'6", and my brothers are 5'7" and 5'5", so there was really no parity that would allow for evenly lifting or moving the casket, so as we made the way down the steps everyone could hear the brbrbrbbrbbrbrbrbrb of the golf balls rolling around in the metal box.

At the cemetery I decided to have some fun. I made sure that I was on the lower back corner, and as we walked, I gently lifted and lowered the casket so that there was a constant brbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbr of the balls rolling front to back and side to side.

You should have seen everyone that knew about the balls trying to cover their smiles.

I love me.

Fuck you Arlene, and fuck Santa Claus too!