Several years ago the owner of the company wanted me to draft a letter to UPS since I was, as he put it, "A lot better at showing anger than I am."
I found this on a jump drive I was cleaning out. I believe he actually signed it and mailed it.
Enjoy.
Dear Mr. DooDoo head,
A couple of months ago I shipped over 200 boxes of college texts from Nashville to Louisville using your company. Upon receipt of the shipment, the count was 31 boxes short. We waited an extra day, thinking that maybe they would show, seeing that you guys are a bit busy. The boxes didn’t come in, and we started the claims process.
After jumping through all the hoops that entailed, I waited for the check that would make amends for the situation. What I received was startlingly appalling. I received $158.13 for 31 boxes of books.
Not only is that pathetic, but do you expect me to believe that you think college books are cheap? Try to stay with me here as I do some math for you, as I’m sure this can be used as educational materials for your claims department. 158.13 divided (that’s the minus sign with a dot above and below it) by 31 equals 5.10. $5.10 cents a box of college textbooks? Seriously now. A FIVER AND A DIME PER BOX? That’s not only an idiotic notion, it’s criminally negligent. You can barely buy two college texts for $158.13. The people that work for you went to college, didn’t they, or do you try to fill your diversity quota with numerically challenged dolts right out of kindergarten?
Now, I know that you’re going to cower behind the “you didn’t get the insurance” clause of the bill of lading, which, by the way, is in so small a print that I wouldn’t be able to read if I were carrying the Hubble telescope, but $158.13 for 31 boxes?
I’m not asking for the world here (which you seem to offer in the commercials), but I’m also not looking to take it in the pooper. It would cost me almost cost me $158.13 to ship 31 boxes. Is that what you’re refunding me?
If you look at the number of 31 boxes, it seems to me that they would constitute one pallet. Are you guys in the habit of losing pallets of books? Aren’t they kind of easy to spot, being on top of those wooden things? If the books were damaged, I’d like to see pictures of the monkeys you hired trying to read those big words inside. At least then I could laugh instead of practice my sailor’s vocabulary every time I think of your company.
As UPS is a large company, I would appreciate it if you would send me some dice. If the planets align and they make it to me, I could at least roll the official UPS dice every time I ship something, seeing as it’s a gamble anyway.
I realize that your company had an earnings dip this last quarter, but do you think that stealing from honest customers is the way to boost your numbers? I’d hate to think that a company that can ship a killer whale would have to resort to selling books on-line in order to stay in the black.
You might want to change your ads to read, “What can brown do TO you,” seeing that if you don’t get the “buy up” option on shipping, you’re screwed if something goes wrong. All I wanted was my books, but instead you gave me the shaft.
Sincerely,
Lick My Balls Motherfucker
Jun 30, 2011
Jun 17, 2011
Me thinks that someone isn't
The other day I went to the local Kroger on an empty stomach, which is the worst no-no to do next to asking a jewish settler if he can make the fire bigger. I came for five items, but while strolling through the deli, I saw packages of the different sliced meats, with packages of sliced cheese above them. Seeing these I decided that a reuben was in my future. Snag a loaf of pumpernickel and I'm on my way.
I get the package home, tear into the mother fucker, and make a sandwich. Not a true reuben as I did not cook it, but my belly didn't know the difference.
As I was putting the lid back on the container, I noticed that there were instructions on the underside of the lable that was stuck to the lid. There was an ingredient list, and below that there were instructions. Fucking instructioins on how to make a fucking sandwich. I shit you not.
So, this jolts two questions immediately:
1) Why the fuck aren't the ingredients on the outside of the package somewhere? I'm sure there are people out there who haven't had a reuben that, if offered, may try one if they knew what the fuck was on it.
2) Who the fuck needs instructions on how to make a fucking sandwich? Aren't all sandwiches pretty much the fucking same? Some form of meat- check. All the other shit that makes this sandwich unique- check. Cheese on top- check.
What is a person supposed to do? open every package to see what kind of sandwich to make? Are the instructions there in case someone buys a package of sliced corn beef gets it home, and while making their usual corned beef and banana sandwich they see them and decide to go back to the store for pumpernickel and kraut?
Fucking jackasses.
I get the package home, tear into the mother fucker, and make a sandwich. Not a true reuben as I did not cook it, but my belly didn't know the difference.
As I was putting the lid back on the container, I noticed that there were instructions on the underside of the lable that was stuck to the lid. There was an ingredient list, and below that there were instructions. Fucking instructioins on how to make a fucking sandwich. I shit you not.
So, this jolts two questions immediately:
1) Why the fuck aren't the ingredients on the outside of the package somewhere? I'm sure there are people out there who haven't had a reuben that, if offered, may try one if they knew what the fuck was on it.
2) Who the fuck needs instructions on how to make a fucking sandwich? Aren't all sandwiches pretty much the fucking same? Some form of meat- check. All the other shit that makes this sandwich unique- check. Cheese on top- check.
What is a person supposed to do? open every package to see what kind of sandwich to make? Are the instructions there in case someone buys a package of sliced corn beef gets it home, and while making their usual corned beef and banana sandwich they see them and decide to go back to the store for pumpernickel and kraut?
Fucking jackasses.
Jun 16, 2011
Jun 13, 2011
Since we're on 70's TV shows...
Barney, divorce is like a horse with a broken leg. You can shoot the horse, but that don't fix the leg.
Jun 6, 2011
Where'd I put my rubber chicken?
...but know this. You can cut me off from the civlised world. You can incarcerate me with two moronic cellmates. You can torture me with your thrice daily swill, but you cannot break the spirit of a Winchester. My voice shall be heard from this wilderness and I shall be delivered from this fetid an festering sewer.
Jun 1, 2011
Well, OK then
This morning right after I came into the office the phone rang.
"Shinkledick Publishing, Andy speaking."
"Do you all do music publishing?"
"No sir, we don't."
"Do you know anyone who does, other than the music union?(whatever the fuck that is)"
"No I don't. This is only the second request I've had for that"
"Hmpf. YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!"
"No sir. If I were kidding, I would say something like, 'what would you do with an elephant with three balls? You walk him and pitch to the rhino.' "
"HMPF *pause* FUCK YOU. GOD DAMNIT. FUCK YOU." He hung up the phone
This, um, gentleman has two obvious problems:
1)He's suffering from HIAS.
2)He has no sense of humor.
Whoever it was, I have to thank him for a good morning laugh.
"Shinkledick Publishing, Andy speaking."
"Do you all do music publishing?"
"No sir, we don't."
"Do you know anyone who does, other than the music union?(whatever the fuck that is)"
"No I don't. This is only the second request I've had for that"
"Hmpf. YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!"
"No sir. If I were kidding, I would say something like, 'what would you do with an elephant with three balls? You walk him and pitch to the rhino.' "
"HMPF *pause* FUCK YOU. GOD DAMNIT. FUCK YOU." He hung up the phone
This, um, gentleman has two obvious problems:
1)He's suffering from HIAS.
2)He has no sense of humor.
Whoever it was, I have to thank him for a good morning laugh.
May 30, 2011
May 18, 2011
All good things must come to an end
I took the "Jerry Abramson Sucks" sticker off the back of my car. David Williams is now the official Redumblican candidate for governor, and I don't want to even seem like I support that fucking jackass in the least, the fucking hypocrite.
The mother fucker is against expanded gambling, but yet won $10,000 dollars on a race when he was at Churchill Downs on Derby weekend. He then collected everyone's losing tickets to go agains his winnings for tax purposes. Then, and this is mui fucked up, tipped the girl that was working his suite $20. For the entire weekend that she worked serving drinks and food to the 15 people in his suite.
I'd'a ripped that fucking bill in half and shoved it up his asshole.
I read a comment on a news story, and the guy called him "Blackjack" Williams.
The mother fucker is against expanded gambling, but yet won $10,000 dollars on a race when he was at Churchill Downs on Derby weekend. He then collected everyone's losing tickets to go agains his winnings for tax purposes. Then, and this is mui fucked up, tipped the girl that was working his suite $20. For the entire weekend that she worked serving drinks and food to the 15 people in his suite.
I'd'a ripped that fucking bill in half and shoved it up his asshole.
I read a comment on a news story, and the guy called him "Blackjack" Williams.
May 12, 2011
I LIKE CHOCOLATE MILK!!!
We have a downs syndrome guy that comes in and works every Tuesday for a few hours. He's graduating from his work program tonight and a bunch of us are going. I try to be caring and understanding, but what can I say? It's just not me.
I like the guy, but I'm sure my urge to make jokes will take over.
Well, back to sensitivity training.
I like the guy, but I'm sure my urge to make jokes will take over.
Well, back to sensitivity training.
May 5, 2011
Yes, beer shit is the official smell of the PBR
beer shit The Beer Shit is a phenomenon that occurs the day after a particularly heavy drinking session. Students are particularly vulnerable.
The 'victim' awakens and spends the first few minutes in a daze, trying desperately to remember where they were last night, when they came back, who they came back with and how they managed to take their jeans off and climb into bed the wrong way round without taking their shoes off. The 'victim' then becomes aware of the irresistable urge to empty their bowels. This process is known as the 'Beer Shit'.
It is not unusual for the Beer Shit to be stubborn and to insist that the 'victim' empties their bowels at least three times during that day in order to complete the job. The amount of toilet paper required to clean up after each 'mini-Beer Shit' is substantial, as is the stench that fills the house afterwards.
However, once a particularly nasty Beer Shit has been despensed with, the 'victim' feels infinitely better immediately and is ready to commence alcoholic consumption straight away to start the process again.
Derek's drinking exploits last night lead to a particularly nasty Beer Shit emerging from his rectal passage this morning.
by Jon Fox Jan 15, 2005
The 'victim' awakens and spends the first few minutes in a daze, trying desperately to remember where they were last night, when they came back, who they came back with and how they managed to take their jeans off and climb into bed the wrong way round without taking their shoes off. The 'victim' then becomes aware of the irresistable urge to empty their bowels. This process is known as the 'Beer Shit'.
It is not unusual for the Beer Shit to be stubborn and to insist that the 'victim' empties their bowels at least three times during that day in order to complete the job. The amount of toilet paper required to clean up after each 'mini-Beer Shit' is substantial, as is the stench that fills the house afterwards.
However, once a particularly nasty Beer Shit has been despensed with, the 'victim' feels infinitely better immediately and is ready to commence alcoholic consumption straight away to start the process again.
Derek's drinking exploits last night lead to a particularly nasty Beer Shit emerging from his rectal passage this morning.
by Jon Fox Jan 15, 2005
May 3, 2011
Hold on there hypocrite
This morning I was running up and down the dial of the radio trying to find a station that wasn't playing gaudy country music, crappy R&B (the good days of R&B are over), or talking about Ofuckme Bin Killedhim. I was never successful long term, so I kept pressing the up button on the seeker. That's when I hit it: Creationism Radio.
How quaint. People still believe that the Earth is 6,000 years old, and that God created everything in 7 days. No 4billion year old earth, no evolution, no extinction, no errors in the bible (small b on purpose here).
Well, I have several questions for these people that can only be answered outside of the paradigm of knowledge through religion.
The Jewish people as a culture are in something like year 6100 by their calendar, and they admit they weren't the first people on the planet. There goes your young Earth argument.
Next up, please explain to me how antibiotics that worked a mere forty years ago are no longer effective against infection. This is on a microbiological scale. Just imagine how more complex organisms could adapt and change over time to become, well, human beings as we know them. Damn, you can hear their argument start to auger in.
Go find me a live dinosaur. Can't? then agree about extinction, or, for that case, just stop using gasoline. It's bad enough you guys are sucking on my oxygen. Holy shit- it's like I'm the Red Barron.
And finally, humans are fallible, and languages don't translate word for word, so we started from an oral tradition, where we know that exaggerations never happen (As a fisherman, I know for a fact that I have never embellished a story), to a written one, albeit in an ancient language. After that we had translation after translation, until we got what we have now. Whatever you do, don't quote the King James version, which was translated specifically under the direction of and for the fancies of a British monarch.
I tell you what: turn in your voter registration, stop driving, and perhaps hold your breath a bit longer than doctors recommend.
How quaint. People still believe that the Earth is 6,000 years old, and that God created everything in 7 days. No 4billion year old earth, no evolution, no extinction, no errors in the bible (small b on purpose here).
Well, I have several questions for these people that can only be answered outside of the paradigm of knowledge through religion.
The Jewish people as a culture are in something like year 6100 by their calendar, and they admit they weren't the first people on the planet. There goes your young Earth argument.
Next up, please explain to me how antibiotics that worked a mere forty years ago are no longer effective against infection. This is on a microbiological scale. Just imagine how more complex organisms could adapt and change over time to become, well, human beings as we know them. Damn, you can hear their argument start to auger in.
Go find me a live dinosaur. Can't? then agree about extinction, or, for that case, just stop using gasoline. It's bad enough you guys are sucking on my oxygen. Holy shit- it's like I'm the Red Barron.
And finally, humans are fallible, and languages don't translate word for word, so we started from an oral tradition, where we know that exaggerations never happen (As a fisherman, I know for a fact that I have never embellished a story), to a written one, albeit in an ancient language. After that we had translation after translation, until we got what we have now. Whatever you do, don't quote the King James version, which was translated specifically under the direction of and for the fancies of a British monarch.
I tell you what: turn in your voter registration, stop driving, and perhaps hold your breath a bit longer than doctors recommend.
Apr 22, 2011
Saw this on the interwebs...funny
Latest News from The Middle East:-
نور اگر رفت سا پا ست نقش دار و چشم خه ما نقش سا دگر نمدان نور اگر رفت سا. ر رفت سا پا نست نقش دار و چشم خه ما نقش سا دگر نمدان نور اگر رفت سا پا نت نقش دار و چشم خه ما
If we hear anything else, we will let you know.
نور اگر رفت سا پا ست نقش دار و چشم خه ما نقش سا دگر نمدان نور اگر رفت سا. ر رفت سا پا نست نقش دار و چشم خه ما نقش سا دگر نمدان نور اگر رفت سا پا نت نقش دار و چشم خه ما
If we hear anything else, we will let you know.
Apr 16, 2011
I think it's only right
I repaired the container that holds all my sewing supplies. So I fixed the thing that helps me fix things. Ah, opposable thumbs and a brain. Take that, Hoosiers!
Apr 14, 2011
thank you for helping
I cleaned out the beer boxes emptied at the PBR so far this burn season, and here's the tally:
24 six packs of premium beer
2 four packs of Guiness
4 thirty packs
33 twelve packs
2 twelve packs of Abita (thanks Ted)
AND
56 eighteen packs.
This is a total of 1700 beers drank on the porch this winter.
This is 159.37 gallons, or for our minister of silly units, 5.31 bathtubs full of beer.
Of course, this doesn't count the numerous boxes that went into the stove.
My liver thanks you all.
24 six packs of premium beer
2 four packs of Guiness
4 thirty packs
33 twelve packs
2 twelve packs of Abita (thanks Ted)
AND
56 eighteen packs.
This is a total of 1700 beers drank on the porch this winter.
This is 159.37 gallons, or for our minister of silly units, 5.31 bathtubs full of beer.
Of course, this doesn't count the numerous boxes that went into the stove.
My liver thanks you all.
Katy Perry's pussy probably looks like the tee box on the 18th hole of the Down Syndrome Invitational
Some guys at work were talking about KP, and I mentioned Russel Brand and the fact that she's from up north.
I was told to stop ruining their fantasies. Fair enough.
I was told to stop ruining their fantasies. Fair enough.
Apr 13, 2011
Don't do that! Oh, wait...never mind.
A couple of the ladies next door were home when I pulled up in my driveway yesterday evening. I heard some commotion out back, and upon investigation I saw that they were putting together a gas grill.
As comical as it is to watch women try to use tools with which they are in no way familiar, they eventually finished. As one of them was wiping down the lid (can't have finger prints on it, that make the burgers taste bad), I was thinking, "Jesus, putting a grill on the porch? That's asking for a, ah, um, yeah. Enjoy your burgers.
As comical as it is to watch women try to use tools with which they are in no way familiar, they eventually finished. As one of them was wiping down the lid (can't have finger prints on it, that make the burgers taste bad), I was thinking, "Jesus, putting a grill on the porch? That's asking for a, ah, um, yeah. Enjoy your burgers.
Apr 8, 2011
Apr 5, 2011
Best team in America
I don't fucking think so, Kimba. Congratulations; Ucon won the worst played game ever.
88 missed shots? Seriously?
88 missed shots? Seriously?
Mar 29, 2011
Oh, 'Doba, why do you do this to me?
Tuesday is double points day at Q doba, and every Tuesday I eat until I have to move my belt out a notch. I do this knowing full well that I will experience a burrito-induced coma.
Well, I kind of mixed it up today by ordering off the craft-two menu. Mexican gumbo and two tacos. Oh, holy shit that stuff was good. It was "Shit I wish I had two stomachs" good.
I believe I have a new Tuesday regular lunch get. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go find my pillow...
Well, I kind of mixed it up today by ordering off the craft-two menu. Mexican gumbo and two tacos. Oh, holy shit that stuff was good. It was "Shit I wish I had two stomachs" good.
I believe I have a new Tuesday regular lunch get. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go find my pillow...
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