Why no one's life should ever be left in my hands

This is the time of year when I'm running in circles at work trying to do three or more things at once. I am reminded constantly that I'm not THAT detail oriented, and sometimes can be just plain scatter brained.
Last semester several times when the phone rang I tried to answer the following:
Stapler, calculator, hard-shell glasses case, and a burrito (the yummiest phone call ever).
This semester while looking at my computer screen I picked up the computer mouse and put my index finger on it, only to find that it wasn't indeed a calculator.
Conversely I also put my hand on my cell phone that was laying on the desk and started to move it around and wondered why the pointer was not moving on the computer screen.

Speaking of my cell phone, I was talking to someone down in Charlotte when I was reminded that a professor was going to call me. I immediately reached for the pocket where I normally keep my phone (when it's not doing double-duty as a computer mouse), but couldn't find it. I started to get frantic, wondering where the damn thing could be when I realized that it was in my left hand, and that was how I was talking to someone in Charlotte.

The entire AMA couldn't afford the malpractice suits that I would incurr.

The introduction of the monthly FUCK YOU list

I listen to the news during the day, and there are some groups that need a big middle finger shoved in their faces, so the inaugural FUCK YOU goes to the following groups:

Retarded militant muslims (not capitalized on purpose)
Stupid mid-easterners trying to eradicate Israel
Stupid Israelis making settlements in land that ain't theirs
Mitch McConnell and the party of no
Somali pirates. We should be able to hang them publicly again.
Tea Party idiots that still follow Gov. Mooseburger
Liberal idiots that live in la-la land and don't understand how things work
Anyone who votes based upon religion. Abortion ain't going away, and most of elected officials cheat and lie. Quit kidding yourselves.

This list ain't done.

LOOK! I DREW A PICTURE OF MUHAMMAD!

I'm sure they had to push themselves up to laugh

It snowed here in the Ville, and someone (not I) had foot-marked a giant pecker in the parking lot. Of course, there was a Jesus freak here, and so I mentioned that when she walks through that she's sure to be offended. My coworker then said, "Who doesn't like a good dick and fart joke? Tell her to complain to Jesus."
I then said that wouldn't work as Jesus was a guy, and therefore he would find it funny. I then said,"I'm sure that Dismas or Gestes squeezed out a tooter while on the cross, and they all had a good laugh."

"For he who believes in me will today accompany me in my kingdom, unless you keep shitting yourself. Damn, Gestes, it smells like something crawled up in you and died."

He was a meteorologist, for goodness sake.

A weatherman— a German weatherman. These were not remediable deficiencies.

Holy sweet mother fuck

The boss with his name on the building had the warehouse guys move the thermostat down from 63 to 55. I guess he feels he's not getting his money's worth unless he sees peoples' breath. This is just fucking ridiculous. I hope he enjoys the increased number of sick days coming up in the busy time.
At least I have a large printer heating my area. That, and he knows he can't turn down the heat in here lest the printer and the paper start to fight.

I'm glad you asked. No, as a matter of fact, he doesn't work in this building.

In other news: I'm getting tired of these fucking muslim countries trying to kill everyone that blasphemes the name of their prophet. Not their god, but their prophet. How tea-total refuckingtarded are you people? I can't wait for there to be no more oil so that those dipshits can go back to riding camels and eating sand. Take a hint from every other culture that moved out of that area. If the land isn't arable, then fucking move. You're not supposed to be there.
You bastards are only using islam as a means to keep your society down and discourage learning because it may bring your sorry asses into the age of reason.
fuck you bitches.

Let us Continue!

A big hell-yeah goes out to the Head of EEOC of the Republic for bringing two truckloads of rounds over for me to split. There's cherry, ash, walnut, and holly. Anyone want to lend me a hand? It'll heat you twice: when you cut it up, and when you burn it. Mmmmm...heat.
I believe that when I get home from the house of the Chief of the Galley I will start a nice fuego. Mmmmm...fuego.
Last night it was thirty deg outside, and sixty-five on the porch (I didn't get the stove honkin' cause I was busy drinking beer).

Any joiners?