For he who pees with me today will be my brother

I apologize to my loyal reader for not posting, but the Yooj has been in town for these last ten days, which meant that I spent most of my time plunging the toilet.

There really hasn't been much going on worth writing about, unless you count staying at the u-boat last weekend. We fished off the dock, drank beer, and tried to see how bad we could smell after two days.

I think between us we caught about 14 fish, of which I think maybe 5 lived after being hooked, because the mother fuckers were swallowing the hooks. Every time we tried to remove the hook they would start bleeding, so they got to keep the hook. At least the ones that we didn't cut up into bait.

We were to find that this trip's funnies belonged to Yooj.

When fishing from the dock, one must be wary of the trees surrounding the sides, as they will become fisherman Christmas trees with all the tackle hanging from them. Both of us were running two poles- one with a bobber and a worm, and another with an artificial lure, basically just to give us something to do until the next fish swallowed the next hook.

Well, the Yooj casted out hard in what looked like the perfect arc, with that ZZZZZZZZZ! sound the closed-faced reel makes when it pays out at extremely high speed. About a hundred feet out you see the spoon hit the water followed by the kabloop. At this point you normally wait a second or two for the line to land on the water and then set the reel.

Do you know what else eats lures? Overhead power lines.

His perfect arc was now an inverted v with the lure in the lake on one side of the power line, and Yooj on the other. He reeled in a bit, and I told him to get it within about a foot of the line and then yank pretty hard, thinking that it would act the same on a power line that it does on a tree branch. It turns out that I was wrong. His spoon twirled around the line like a fishy Olga Korbut on the parallel bars. It rested at an angle that shown the shiny side toward the dock, so that the part of the lure that was supposed to get the attention of the fish looked like it was winking at us when the sun hit.

While laughing I reached over and cut his line.



"Fire in the Hole!" was the warning that one of us had caught a tree and was getting ready to yank the shit out of the line, so get your ass down because you have no clue where the line's going.

As I was the one normally yelling this, I was surprised to find that Yooj had caught one of the largest hickory trees around and was getting ready to give the line what for. "Seeephew"! I heard the line give and then immediately get caught in the next closest tree. Knowing that the Yooj was now sufficiently angry to do something based solely on the size of his muscles and not his brain, and that in the past this has only accomplished the feat of me being injured somehow, I was was crouched so low that I saw nothing but the wooden dock.

Yooj grunted, pulled ( I know that sounds dirty, but try to stay focused here), and the lure still buzzed my head before hitting the water. I immediately leaned over to get it out of the water before Yoojie got the damn thing stuck in the dock. I pulled on the bobber, raised the line, and THERE WAS A GODDAMN FISH ON THE HOOK THAT WASN'T THERE WHEN THE LINE WAS IN THE TREE. He caught a fish in about 1/32nd of a second. The worst part was that it was the biggest fish we caught that weekend.

On Sunday we went back down on the dock to donate more tackle to the water. After about two hours of the same ole, the Yooj changed lures to a bass lure that has all the shit hanging off of it.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZ! This time, you didn't see it hit water. There was no kabloop. Yoojie had inadvertently gone round two with power line and had again come out the loser. Flip,flip,flip, and Olga #2 was line bound. I was laughing so hard that I was heeping watching him chew his line apart.

In the middle of taking breaths I laughingly asked, "Why don't you just throw your fucking tacklebox at the power line?"

Restraining the urge to kill me he said, "That's God telling us we're done."

We packed all of our shit and left the u-boat for home, with our hero mimicking me a few miles down the road; "why don't you throw your tacklebox at the power line? Asshole."

Well, aint that some shit.

This is just weird.

http://wbztv.com/local/gloucester.high.school.2.751873.html

this, however, is much better.

I'll spin you around so fast you'll think you were Dorothy and Toto

All of you out there in Kaiser Andy land know that I couldn't give two rats asses for ghetto-ite members of the idiot class (it's not like I'm a fan of any of the idiot class), and that I don't make any great effort to hide that fact.

Well today there were two of them walking on a one way street. Not on the sidewalk on the one way street, but in the street. One of them pushing a stroller, and the other pushing a grocery cart (how the thing still works after leaving Kroger's parking lot is a mystery). I'll give you one guess about which one was on the outside, as they haven't walked in line since their grandfathers returned from WWII.

In a fit of rage I put the window down on the company van and set to yelling. Loudly and mother-fuckerly. I got a middle finger from one, and the other set to chicken-necking and hollerin like somebody done stoler her check. I actually started laughing at that point.

In all, a minor gain.

Take my canadians please

this is just a great picture of her. It has a JC Penny catalogue feel to it, but I dig.

Das aus Haus

I went to the U-boat yesterday since I'm not a dad, and don't have to have my family fake like they actually care for me other than for my paycheck.

I may be a bit cynical.

Rastis P. Leroy Jr. is now properly Al Jolsened, and the sawfish is on the side of the shitey-shack. More caulk is in the cracks, seeing as the ants are pretty well retarded when it comes to camouflaging their path into the building. After a little more caulk and some more paint, the U-boat will be finished, at least on the outside. I would have some pictures, but alas.

I'm so very much looking forward to staying this next weekend there with the Yooj.

So much for waiting ten minutes

It is said that if you don't like the weather in the Ville, just wait ten minutes- it'll change.

Well, for this last week, that's a load of shit.

Luke and I have been waiting for the weather to cool about 8deg so that we can get the second hive body on the beehive so that we can have a strong enough hive to make us a lot of honey next year and keep them from swarming this year. Unfortunately, the weather being as warm as it is means that many of the bees hang out on the outside of the hive in order the lower the amount of heat in the hive, and there is no fucking way that I'm getting near the hive when there are about 400 bees on the outside of the hive not wanting to go in, not counting the number of their sisters flying in from foraging nectar and pollen. That's just a recipe for meeting the ER staff. I mean, I'm sure they're fine people, but I'd rather meet over a beer instead of signing HIPAA release forms. Call me old fashioned.

We're going to try tonight since it's supposed to rain today and cool down. Once that's done, the only thing left to do this summer is drink beer, fish at the U-boat, and eat non-salmonella produce from my garden.

Did I mention drink beer?

Byron by popular demand

I have a bunch a pictures of Lady Byron, but I have nothing for July.

Any ideas on who should be the next one? Ooh. I've got it. The perfect lady. She's cute, she cooks, she's Rachel Ray. Or, that hispanic cooking chick. She's hottern' cracklin' grease.




In other news, I got number 12 last night with the flashlight spotting help of our fine firefighting friend.

She's back!

One faithful reader sent in a picture of my bedmate, Katherine Heigl. I don't know if he just missed her, or if I started to use too many wurds and not enough pichers.

The new phrase the my brother Darell used last night to describe someone who is adamantly set on never straying from their idea of proceedures or structure is "Yeah, he's about five minutes from Wapner."

He, of course used it to describe his son, which is why I was laughing so hard I was heep-ing for about five minutes.

Now for the other picture.

Why, oh why, oh why

I had an interesting yesterday evening. It started out by not being 98 degrees, which was excellent working outside weather.

Tons of tomatoes coming in, which is good enough on its own, but when coupled with the salmonella scare, I might be sittin' on a patch of gold. The recently transplanted cuke already has three buds on it, and the bees are seriously taking care of my beans.

On to the fun:

A guy I work with broke his mirror off when he tested how hard he could back up without seeing a telephone pole in the parking lot, so we got him another, and I was to paint it last night.

I get a beer to drink, grab the can of spray paint and start shaking it. Shaking the paint while I walked around the house, I watched a little TV, walked around the yard, and back inside. On my way downstairs to paint, I switched hands with the paint so I could get another beer out da fridge. Shaking the can down the stairs, when I got to my bench I sat down the paint and went to open my beer.

cha-chik-SPLOOOOOOSH!

My dumb ass didn't switch which hand I shook, just the cans. I shook my beer for about 25 seconds before opening it.

At least I didn't drink the paint.

So the AME Zion pastor said, "Sure. God would drive a Mercedes, why can't I?"

The cabin is now habitable. I wanted to have about eight more beers, go fishing and sleep over on Saturday, but we(he) had to get back.

In other news, my friends down the alley thought that yelling at 1AM is acceptable. I thought they needed to meet the police.

I doubt they'll be making a lot of noise into the wee hours any time soon.

The only U-boat with a bar

If you're in the Appalachians, you now think that the boat comes with a bear in it.

Cousin Luke and I will be in Boston tomorrow doing some wiring and painting. Well, he'll be doing the wiring, and I'll be painting, as electricity makes Andy go ouch.

The cots will be going down there along with bed rolls and pillows (in space bags) so that whenever we're down there and too drinky or a thunderstorm parks its ass over us, we can stay overnight.

We'll get some pictures and maybe I'll catch a stick or two.

The dog looked 18, Officer!

It is officially swamp-ass hot here in da Ville, at least for the next day or two. I was walking today, and I believe that I heard my balls squeak as they rubbed against my legs because of the sweat.





Yes, this is the same town that had fifty degree nights two weeks ago, requiring, no, encouraging me to have beer/fuego nights on the porch.





I guess the good part is that my garden is exploding, including my four volunteer tomatoes and my volunteer cucumber. Hooray- garden.


The vols will probably be big enough to transplant when the Yooj is in town, so he'll have some work to do.

LOOK! A FRENCH BEAR!

Who knew?

Today is Wednesday, June 4th, the 156th day of 2008. There are 210 days left in the year.

On June 4th, 1942, the Pacific Battle of Midway began during World War II; three days later, American naval forces claimed a decisive victory over the Japanese.

In 1878, the Ottoman Empire turned over control of Cyprus to the British.

In 1896, Henry Ford made a successful pre-dawn test run of his horseless carriage, called a "quadricycle," through the streets of Detroit.

In 1940, the Allied military evacuation from Dunkirk, France, ended.

In 1989, Chinese army troops stormed Beijing to crush a pro-democracy movement, killing hundreds, possibly thousands, of people.

And in today's news:

Kari Byron talks about the night we spent together.

Maybe I'll just move the garden indoors

The roof has been leaking into my downstairs bathroom and creating a huge-ass mess. I've re shingled. I've patched, gooped, glopped, spackled, and covered the offending areas with every product that even hints at keeping the out-doors out-doors. It's time to strip off the old and re-roof and lay down new wood.

How hard could that be? You ask.

Not very is the answer.

So, I'll just get a dumpster, and put it up in the driveway...

SHIT- I STILL HAVE A FUCKING KARMAN GHIA IN THE WAY!

DAMN YOU, EVIL PEOPLE FORGETTING ABOUT YOUR SHIT AT MY HOUSE!