HANG UP AND WELL, JUST HANG UP

One may have observed that from time to time I get rather irritated, I mean irked, I really mean pissed off when my cell phone rings. Now, you might say that "You dumb shit, you're in sales. You live by the phone. You talkie in one end, and heary in the other. That's how you make money."
I'm here to tell you, it's not the customers calling me that bug the utter can complete shit out of me- it's the others and their total lack of understanding that just because they can reach me, it doesn't mean they have to. And their non use of cell phone protocall, an d unnecessary platitudes.
If you never call me outside of work, and you need to call me because of work, and I sound curt on the line (always do), then don't start with, "Hi Andy, howya doin?," because my answer will always be, "I was doing well before the interruption." Do you think I'm going to say something about how sad I've been ever since All in the Family went off the air? Hell no! I'm going to say "fine," and then ask you what you wanted so I can get you off the phone in order that I can move on to the next schmuck. How about you start the call off with, "hey andy, I've got a question about the Engl 102 pack." Holy cow. We don't need to be friends in order to work together, because honestly, I don't care about you. Well, I care about you in the sense that I hope nothing happens to you that removes you from the ability to be of service to me.
If you are one of the few who do call me outside of work and we are on come-over-to-my-house-and-drink-beer status, and you are in the city limits, then here's the script to our entire conversation:
"this is Andy"
"You got plans tonight? maybe a fuego?"
"no plans. When you comin' over?"

See how easy that is? 'Fuego' can be replaced by "go to the 'Ville?" or "ball game tonight?"

If you live out of town and want to jaw for a bit that's fine. Since you can't physically stop by when you want, I will accomodate with a short conversation. Just remember that all I want to do is joke around, and that the more I drink the more deaf I become. Expect foul language.

If I'm in the car and I answer the phone, I ain't really paying attention to the conversation, as I have a clutch and am concentration on trying to hit pedestrians.

And last and very not least: when you ask "What're you doin'?", and I respond, "Just talking to some asshole on the phone," don't ask who, like I just put someone on hold. It's you.

Now we can all get along.