So, I've been busy. Third straight week at work, and many bruises to show for it, as if anyone can get hurt doing something, I can show you how.
Anyway, on my fourth trip to the local university to run yet another set of desk copies to professors, I was in a bit of a hurry. It was pouring down rain, and I thought that I would jump out of my car, and immediately be under the overhang and out of danger of melting.
I turned off my car, undid the seat belt, and got ready to spring from my car.
BAM! I smacked my face on the car door and bloodied my nose.
Today I learned that the door lock button is NOT the door handle.
I opened the door, got out, and lifted my head and put pressure on one side of my nose like I was taught to end a nose bleed. Breathing from my other nostril, I took in a load of water with my first breath. I was not yet under the overhang. I must've sneezed bloody goo for a good two minutes.
I love this week.
Aug 21, 2007
Aug 15, 2007
this is why I never went to med school
As you all know, it's been a bit busy here. We increased from 10 to 12, and now 14 days. I realize to many people that is nothing, but to them I say, "go blow a goat."
I had a dream that my phone was ringing last night, and when I woke, my phone showed that a professor had called at 6:30 in the AM saying that they would be on campus at nine and would wait for my call. I called them back at 12:30 out of spite.
Here's the week so far. Let me know if I need to go back on the caffein:
I walked about 8 miles Monday if my math is correct, and that’s just around UofL. I’ve answered the cell phone while sitting on the toilet, and fell asleep with my fingers on the keyboard at 7PM.
Yesterday I called a professor, and while the phone rang I thought of my brother Darryl for some reason, and when the professor said hello, I said, “Hey diddy, what’s shakin?”
Today I walked into a door that I knew was closed because I closed it. I cut open a bag of salad, dumped some on my plate, put the twisty on the bag, and then opened my desk drawer and threw the bag in there. And just a few minutes ago, the office phone rang. I reached out without paying attention and held my calculator to my ear. The phone rang again, and I pressed the CE button on the calculator because it’s about where the TALK button is on the phone, AND STUCK IT BACK UP TO MY EAR AND TRIED TO ANSWER IT.
I have, however, been listening to Great Big Sea and singing about the night that Pat Murphy died.
Some of the boys got loaded drunk…
I had a dream that my phone was ringing last night, and when I woke, my phone showed that a professor had called at 6:30 in the AM saying that they would be on campus at nine and would wait for my call. I called them back at 12:30 out of spite.
Here's the week so far. Let me know if I need to go back on the caffein:
I walked about 8 miles Monday if my math is correct, and that’s just around UofL. I’ve answered the cell phone while sitting on the toilet, and fell asleep with my fingers on the keyboard at 7PM.
Yesterday I called a professor, and while the phone rang I thought of my brother Darryl for some reason, and when the professor said hello, I said, “Hey diddy, what’s shakin?”
Today I walked into a door that I knew was closed because I closed it. I cut open a bag of salad, dumped some on my plate, put the twisty on the bag, and then opened my desk drawer and threw the bag in there. And just a few minutes ago, the office phone rang. I reached out without paying attention and held my calculator to my ear. The phone rang again, and I pressed the CE button on the calculator because it’s about where the TALK button is on the phone, AND STUCK IT BACK UP TO MY EAR AND TRIED TO ANSWER IT.
I have, however, been listening to Great Big Sea and singing about the night that Pat Murphy died.
Some of the boys got loaded drunk…
Aug 13, 2007
A fart away from a good time
It's the busy time of year for us in the coursepack business. I took a phonecall in the car on the way to work, one in the parking lot before opening the door, two before I could finish my banana and cup of decaf, but the best one was in the head.
I had to drop the kids off at the pool, and I had my phone in my hand, knowing that as sure as God made little green apples, someone would call. Well, I was right and the timing couldn't have been better.
I had just sat down when I heard my phone ring, and as I answered it, BABLOPBLOPBLOP THHHPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP! I had completely emtied the ravioli, sauerkraut and porkchops, 1/4 bag of peanuts, and 7 beers in less than a second, followed by a three second tuba salute.
Dr. Schmenkman: "Is everything ok?"
me: "It is now."
D.S-"Is this a bad time?"
"nope. You have my full attention. How can I help you?"
"Are you sure this is a good time? I hear an echo."
"Well, I'm in a smaller room than usual when I answer the phone."
I had to drop the kids off at the pool, and I had my phone in my hand, knowing that as sure as God made little green apples, someone would call. Well, I was right and the timing couldn't have been better.
I had just sat down when I heard my phone ring, and as I answered it, BABLOPBLOPBLOP THHHPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP! I had completely emtied the ravioli, sauerkraut and porkchops, 1/4 bag of peanuts, and 7 beers in less than a second, followed by a three second tuba salute.
Dr. Schmenkman: "Is everything ok?"
me: "It is now."
D.S-"Is this a bad time?"
"nope. You have my full attention. How can I help you?"
"Are you sure this is a good time? I hear an echo."
"Well, I'm in a smaller room than usual when I answer the phone."
Aug 11, 2007
Aug 8, 2007
From trash they came, and to trash they will become
Dear Hoosiers:
You have your own state. Why must you pollute ours? I'm serious here.
I'm writing a letter to my state senator to put a bill together that I'm calling, "The two for one special." All of you dirty sad sack poor excuse for drivers would be required to find the nearest fifo and high-tail it the fuck out of Kentucky.
You want to go south on a highway? Go around. I'm not kidding. Get out and stay out.
Do you know why the Ohio River is so polluted? Because it touches both Ohio and Indiana. Don't bathe in it, you're killing the fish.
The only antidote to Hoosiers is to beat them to death with the skulls of assholes from Ohio.
This ain't over by a long shot.
You have your own state. Why must you pollute ours? I'm serious here.
I'm writing a letter to my state senator to put a bill together that I'm calling, "The two for one special." All of you dirty sad sack poor excuse for drivers would be required to find the nearest fifo and high-tail it the fuck out of Kentucky.
You want to go south on a highway? Go around. I'm not kidding. Get out and stay out.
Do you know why the Ohio River is so polluted? Because it touches both Ohio and Indiana. Don't bathe in it, you're killing the fish.
The only antidote to Hoosiers is to beat them to death with the skulls of assholes from Ohio.
This ain't over by a long shot.
Aug 4, 2007
THINGS THAT PISS ME OFF
I haven't ranted in a while, but here lately as I've been getting busier and my fuse dwindles, I've made a few observations to which I'm sure I'll get plenty of support.
1) If you have a hoosier license plate, get out of my way, no, out of my state. Your car was manufactured with a gas pedal. Find it and get the hell moving.
1a)It's called a turn signal. Sometimes we call it a blinker so that you know what fucking part of the car we're talking about. Turn on your blinker, and get into the left hand lane if you want to turn left- there is no reason other that having cateracs in both eyes to turn left from one of the middle lanes. This applies for right turns as well. I would even take one of you "got my license from a box of Captain Crunch" assholes yelling "STRAW FOOT" out the window.
2) When the light turns green, go. Save the fucking reverend pause for church, which is where I'm getting ready to send you, but in a box. Red lights are not the time to be searching in the passenger seat for a phone number so you can also talk while driving. Unless you have a toddler in the car, point your head toward the front of your vehicle.
3) Don't talk on the phone while driving unless you're on the damn freeway. If you're negotiating turns in downtown Louisville while on the phone, I will do my best to hit you and make it your fault. This ain't a Christian attitude, but I don't believe I've read "lack of road rage" in the Beatitudes, so kiss my ass and get off the phone.
4) I'm glad your car has a loud radio. Let your friends hear it in the West End, but turn that goddamn BOOMBOOMBOOM the fuck down around me, or I will continue to spit on your car.
If you worked as hard as being a good father as you do on trying to be cool, my, what a family you would have.
5) Dear lazy, talkative co-worker. Shut your mouth and help a customer. We're all replaceable, so stop acting like the doors would have to close if you weren't around. Quit dismissing others around you and wondering why no one wants to talk to you.And please, whatever you do, do not even attempt to make fun of me, or talk about me to others, for I am smarter than you, and I'm smarter ass than you. I will win, and it will hurt.
I have many other things, but my shoes seem to be on fire...
1) If you have a hoosier license plate, get out of my way, no, out of my state. Your car was manufactured with a gas pedal. Find it and get the hell moving.
1a)It's called a turn signal. Sometimes we call it a blinker so that you know what fucking part of the car we're talking about. Turn on your blinker, and get into the left hand lane if you want to turn left- there is no reason other that having cateracs in both eyes to turn left from one of the middle lanes. This applies for right turns as well. I would even take one of you "got my license from a box of Captain Crunch" assholes yelling "STRAW FOOT" out the window.
2) When the light turns green, go. Save the fucking reverend pause for church, which is where I'm getting ready to send you, but in a box. Red lights are not the time to be searching in the passenger seat for a phone number so you can also talk while driving. Unless you have a toddler in the car, point your head toward the front of your vehicle.
3) Don't talk on the phone while driving unless you're on the damn freeway. If you're negotiating turns in downtown Louisville while on the phone, I will do my best to hit you and make it your fault. This ain't a Christian attitude, but I don't believe I've read "lack of road rage" in the Beatitudes, so kiss my ass and get off the phone.
4) I'm glad your car has a loud radio. Let your friends hear it in the West End, but turn that goddamn BOOMBOOMBOOM the fuck down around me, or I will continue to spit on your car.
If you worked as hard as being a good father as you do on trying to be cool, my, what a family you would have.
5) Dear lazy, talkative co-worker. Shut your mouth and help a customer. We're all replaceable, so stop acting like the doors would have to close if you weren't around. Quit dismissing others around you and wondering why no one wants to talk to you.And please, whatever you do, do not even attempt to make fun of me, or talk about me to others, for I am smarter than you, and I'm smarter ass than you. I will win, and it will hurt.
I have many other things, but my shoes seem to be on fire...
Aug 2, 2007
Fat, Drunk and Stupid is No Way to Go Through Work
I'll make this fast(you're welcome, Ted).
I decided to stop drinking during the week this last Monday, as I just felt blah all day. Not because I felt blah only on Monday, but I was holding a piece of paper, and my hand was shaking like Tom Hanks's in the Movie Saving Private Ryan.
I was thinking back, and realized that for the last fifty-nine days I had drunk at LEAST eight beers a night- That's 472 to you and me. This was also a great opportunity to end my tobacco habit.
Fireman Ed came over last night and my two day dry spell ended. I only had six, but still felt blah. I think it's because I also had smokes for the first time in two days.
Well, here's trying for another two days.
The difficulty was that on Monday and Tuesday I felt wide awake at one in the AM even though I was waking up earlier than I did when drinking a bunch, and this is while avoiding caffeine.
Work ain't helping me not want to have a beer or smoky treat.
On the up side, I've already saved $10 on beer this week.
I decided to stop drinking during the week this last Monday, as I just felt blah all day. Not because I felt blah only on Monday, but I was holding a piece of paper, and my hand was shaking like Tom Hanks's in the Movie Saving Private Ryan.
I was thinking back, and realized that for the last fifty-nine days I had drunk at LEAST eight beers a night- That's 472 to you and me. This was also a great opportunity to end my tobacco habit.
Fireman Ed came over last night and my two day dry spell ended. I only had six, but still felt blah. I think it's because I also had smokes for the first time in two days.
Well, here's trying for another two days.
The difficulty was that on Monday and Tuesday I felt wide awake at one in the AM even though I was waking up earlier than I did when drinking a bunch, and this is while avoiding caffeine.
Work ain't helping me not want to have a beer or smoky treat.
On the up side, I've already saved $10 on beer this week.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)