An oldie but a real goodie

Several years ago the owner of the company wanted me to draft a letter to UPS since I was, as he put it, "A lot better at showing anger than I am."
I found this on a jump drive I was cleaning out. I believe he actually signed it and mailed it.
Enjoy.

Dear Mr. DooDoo head,

A couple of months ago I shipped over 200 boxes of college texts from Nashville to Louisville using your company. Upon receipt of the shipment, the count was 31 boxes short. We waited an extra day, thinking that maybe they would show, seeing that you guys are a bit busy. The boxes didn’t come in, and we started the claims process.
After jumping through all the hoops that entailed, I waited for the check that would make amends for the situation. What I received was startlingly appalling. I received $158.13 for 31 boxes of books.
Not only is that pathetic, but do you expect me to believe that you think college books are cheap? Try to stay with me here as I do some math for you, as I’m sure this can be used as educational materials for your claims department. 158.13 divided (that’s the minus sign with a dot above and below it) by 31 equals 5.10. $5.10 cents a box of college textbooks? Seriously now. A FIVER AND A DIME PER BOX? That’s not only an idiotic notion, it’s criminally negligent. You can barely buy two college texts for $158.13. The people that work for you went to college, didn’t they, or do you try to fill your diversity quota with numerically challenged dolts right out of kindergarten?
Now, I know that you’re going to cower behind the “you didn’t get the insurance” clause of the bill of lading, which, by the way, is in so small a print that I wouldn’t be able to read if I were carrying the Hubble telescope, but $158.13 for 31 boxes?
I’m not asking for the world here (which you seem to offer in the commercials), but I’m also not looking to take it in the pooper. It would cost me almost cost me $158.13 to ship 31 boxes. Is that what you’re refunding me?
If you look at the number of 31 boxes, it seems to me that they would constitute one pallet. Are you guys in the habit of losing pallets of books? Aren’t they kind of easy to spot, being on top of those wooden things? If the books were damaged, I’d like to see pictures of the monkeys you hired trying to read those big words inside. At least then I could laugh instead of practice my sailor’s vocabulary every time I think of your company.
As UPS is a large company, I would appreciate it if you would send me some dice. If the planets align and they make it to me, I could at least roll the official UPS dice every time I ship something, seeing as it’s a gamble anyway.
I realize that your company had an earnings dip this last quarter, but do you think that stealing from honest customers is the way to boost your numbers? I’d hate to think that a company that can ship a killer whale would have to resort to selling books on-line in order to stay in the black.
You might want to change your ads to read, “What can brown do TO you,” seeing that if you don’t get the “buy up” option on shipping, you’re screwed if something goes wrong. All I wanted was my books, but instead you gave me the shaft.


Sincerely,
Lick My Balls Motherfucker

Me thinks that someone isn't

The other day I went to the local Kroger on an empty stomach, which is the worst no-no to do next to asking a jewish settler if he can make the fire bigger. I came for five items, but while strolling through the deli, I saw packages of the different sliced meats, with packages of sliced cheese above them. Seeing these I decided that a reuben was in my future. Snag a loaf of pumpernickel and I'm on my way.
I get the package home, tear into the mother fucker, and make a sandwich. Not a true reuben as I did not cook it, but my belly didn't know the difference.
As I was putting the lid back on the container, I noticed that there were instructions on the underside of the lable that was stuck to the lid. There was an ingredient list, and below that there were instructions. Fucking instructioins on how to make a fucking sandwich. I shit you not.
So, this jolts two questions immediately:
1) Why the fuck aren't the ingredients on the outside of the package somewhere? I'm sure there are people out there who haven't had a reuben that, if offered, may try one if they knew what the fuck was on it.
2) Who the fuck needs instructions on how to make a fucking sandwich? Aren't all sandwiches pretty much the fucking same? Some form of meat- check. All the other shit that makes this sandwich unique- check. Cheese on top- check.

What is a person supposed to do? open every package to see what kind of sandwich to make? Are the instructions there in case someone buys a package of sliced corn beef gets it home, and while making their usual corned beef and banana sandwich they see them and decide to go back to the store for pumpernickel and kraut?

Fucking jackasses.

Riots in Vancouver?

That's just Canadians acting like, well, canadians.

Since we're on 70's TV shows...

Barney, divorce is like a horse with a broken leg. You can shoot the horse, but that don't fix the leg.

Where'd I put my rubber chicken?

...but know this. You can cut me off from the civlised world. You can incarcerate me with two moronic cellmates. You can torture me with your thrice daily swill, but you cannot break the spirit of a Winchester. My voice shall be heard from this wilderness and I shall be delivered from this fetid an festering sewer.

Just because I like the picture

Well, OK then

This morning right after I came into the office the phone rang.
"Shinkledick Publishing, Andy speaking."
"Do you all do music publishing?"
"No sir, we don't."
"Do you know anyone who does, other than the music union?(whatever the fuck that is)"
"No I don't. This is only the second request I've had for that"
"Hmpf. YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!"
"No sir. If I were kidding, I would say something like, 'what would you do with an elephant with three balls? You walk him and pitch to the rhino.' "
"HMPF *pause* FUCK YOU. GOD DAMNIT. FUCK YOU." He hung up the phone

This, um, gentleman has two obvious problems:
1)He's suffering from HIAS.
2)He has no sense of humor.

Whoever it was, I have to thank him for a good morning laugh.