gotta love the comics

When things get rough, go to the comics section of the paper.

Today's Speed Bump cartoon describes Fish n Chips:

the ayatollah of I'll hit your shit if you don't get out of my way

I almost waxed a ghettoite today.

I would take anger management classes, but they piss me off.

need...multiple beers...stat

It rolled over, closed its eyes, and gently passed away

Unfortunately, I'm not talking about the cat. My old laptop 86ed itself, and I no longer have e-mail addresses or the link to fish n chips trip site.

Teddeth,

Are you driving there, flying to 'Ville and riding with me, or driving to charlotte and riding with the Yooj?

Anybody want a cat?

Several weeks ago, I noticed that some of my tomato plants were dying for seemingly no reason. After consultation with the Yooj, I thought it was the soil. Well, it is the soil, but not any of my doing.

It turns out that a cat has decided to use one corner of my garden as a litter box. I found a lot of scratch marks at the base of one of the tomato plants, and evidence that it was a cat, but the biggest piece of evidence was when I came outside and the cat jumped out of the garden and out the back over the fence.

Needless to say, I can't let this stand. One suggestion someone had was to put up fliers to warn the neighbors that they need to keep their cat indoors. This individual also told me to call animal control. I didn't know that they would come out at 10:30PM to get a cat that's not harming humans. Hang on...they don't.

It's time for this cat to take the proverbial walk in the woods. I almost apologize for those reading this who put matters into more humane hands, but an animal in my yard is my animal.

As my brother Darrell says: "I won't kill some one's pet, but I'll kill a stray."

Besides; when I come home late from work like I have this last month, I'm not the most patient person.

It could be worse- I could have to do this and actually care

Glad hand. Smile and nod.

Everything will be OK.

It's in the queue, and will be up here shortly.

Copyrights are taking a bit long to come back.

How about the third day of class?

It's been just me and the secretaries in the office all summer.

I hope you enjoyed your trip to the Caymans. Now enjoy your stay at Wait the Fuck in Line Because You're Late print headquarters.

Your hurry now ain't my problem.

thanks to the Didder for the pic:

Wasting our money

Tuition assistance for people going to community colleges should not be allowed to go to people under the age of 21. That way, the person wanting to go to school has already failed at a couple different attempts at being lazy, and would want to make an effort.

I was on a nearby campus yesterday- two of the campuses of the system, actually, and it looked like a public high school just got out. Needless to say I couldn't stay quiet while I walked through the crowd.

I was entering one of the buildings, and this group of college ghetto-ites where doing the usual loud yapping shit right in front of the doorway. As I cam up the steps, this one kid with the sock on his head, his flat-brimmed hat turned to the side, and his left hand holding up his pants and his right holding one of those plastic-ended blunts looked up at me and goes: "Hey, man, what's up?" in a voice trying to get me to either back down, or make me think that I shouldn't have to worry, they're only having a little fun, even if it is right in front of the fucking doors.

I stopped and said, "Enjoy these two weeks of class before you drop out, you walking fucking stereotype- get a fucking belt."

I was in the competitor's store speaking to one of the managers, and this one girl was snootily giving one of their employees some difficulty. I could tell from experience that the way she was acting and the way she dressed that she expected people to kneel down in front of her. I looked over at the girl with an eyebrow cocked and a "what's up your ass?" look. She looked over at me, kind of shook her head and had the usual, "what're you looking at?" expression.

I said to her aloud, "You ain't hot enough to have that amount of attitude, darlin. I suggest you stow it."

She huffed and turned around.

The manager I was talking to chuckled and shook his head.

It don't seem to end

I'm still at work doing things in production so that tomorrow I can do my computer work in relative peace.

In other news, on the way home last night I almost punched some old Bosnian dude at clicky mart because he wouldn't quit fucking with the damned lottery tickets. If you don't know how you want to lose your money because you're bad at statistics, get the fucking hell out out of line and let us beer purchasers get on with life.



hubba-hubba:

I didn't get a harrumph out of that guy

Poof! No more idiots.

Go to your happy place.

No time to talk, but that doesn't mean we can't enjoy a picture

I'm gonna kill me some ghetto-ites.

How about something to calm me down?

How hard is it to put a package out for Next Day Air?

Today has been shitty. I'm going to go home, have a bunch of beer, and beat off.

This may help:

A few more from Fire Fly/Serenity

These are the last from this series.

Tune in tomorrow for one of Hollywood's current hotties

Found this while tracking down an author for copyright

http://www.nationalpriorities.org/costofwar_home

you can click and find your cities' costs of war.

Did you hear something? BOOM!

Today is the day that every citizen of Kokuru, Japan that was alive on 08/09/45 makes the drive to Nagasaki and says thank you.

You see, Nagasaki was the secondary target for Bock'scar, but excessive smoke clouded Kokuru and therefore sealed the fate for a town and about 70,000 people.

The TNT imploded the plutonium and caused the fission reaction.
And now for the fuzzy bunny feel good ending to the story:

All work and no beer make andy go something-something

Here is the first draft of the letter. I was told it was to be sans profanity. When I copied it to the blog, it lost most of the indentation.



Dear Mr. DooDoo head,

A couple of months ago I shipped over 200 boxes of college texts from Nashville to Louisville using your company. Upon receipt of the shipment, the count was 31 boxes short. We waited an extra day, thinking that maybe they would show, seeing that you guys are a bit busy. The boxes didn’t come in, and we started the claims process.
After jumping through all the hoops that entailed, I waited for the check that would make amends for the situation. What I received was startlingly appalling. I received $158.13 for 31 boxes of books.
Not only is that pathetic, but do you expect me to believe that you think college books are cheap? Try to stay with me here as I do some math for you, as I’m sure this can be used as educational materials for your claims department. 158.13 divided (that’s the minus sign with a dot above and below it) by 31 equals 5.10. $5.10 cents a box of college textbooks? Seriously now. A FIVER AND A DIME PER BOX? That’s not only an idiotic notion, it’s criminally retarded. You can barely buy two college texts for $158.13, much less 31 cases. The people that work for you went to college, didn’t they, or do you try to fill your diversity quota with numerically challenged dolts right out of kindergarten?
Now, I know that you’re going to cower behind the “you didn’t get the insurance” clause of the bill of lading, which, by the way, is in so small of print that I wouldn’t be able to read if I were carrying the Hubble telescope, but $158.13 for 31 boxes? Really?
I’m not asking for the world here (which you outwardly offer in the commercials), but I’m also not looking to take it in the pooper. It would almost cost me $158.13 to ship 31 boxes. Is that what you’re refunding me?
When you look at the number of 31 boxes, it seems to me that they would constitute one pallet. Are you guys in the habit of losing pallets of books? Aren’t they kind of easy to spot, being on top of those wooden things? If the books were damaged, I’d like to see pictures of the monkeys you hired trying to read those big words inside. At least then I could laugh instead of practice my sailor’s vocabulary every time I think of your company.
As UPS is a large company, I would appreciate it if you would send me some dice. If the planets align and they actually make it to me, I could at least roll the official UPS dice every time I ship something, seeing as it’s a gamble anyway.
I realize that your company had an earnings dip this last quarter, but do you think that stealing from honest customers is the way to boost your numbers? I’d hate to think that a company that can ship a killer whale would have to resort to selling books on-line in order to stay in the black.
You might want to change your ads to read, “What can brown do TO you,” seeing that if you don’t get the “buy up” option on shipping, you’re screwed if something goes wrong. All I wanted was my books, but instead you gave me the shaft.


Sincerely,

Lick My Balls Motherfucker

Sixty three years ago

Boom boom boom boom.

The Japanese were definitely singing the blues.

A man after my own heart

There are moments in life when true invective is called for, when it becomes an absolute necessity, out of a deep sense of justice, to denounce, mock, vituperate, lash out, in the strongest possible language.-- Charles Simic, quoted in "The argument culture", Irish Times, December 17, 1998

It just so happened that I had an opportunity for vituperation while driving today.

Big titted women don't just fall out of the sky, you know!

I was just called into the big boss’s office by my immediate boss. First thought- OH SHIT.
I sat down and my immediate boss sat down beside me. The last time that happened, the meeting started out with the line, “Andy, I’ve been hearing reports that…”
The big boss then told me, and I quote, “I want you two to write some letters for me. UPS lost 31 boxes of one of the shipments, and only gave me 158.13 for them. I’ve given you some bullet points…pathetic is the first thing I thought of.
Anyway, Andy, I thought of you first, and that this may be right up your alley.”

My immediate boss then started giving me motivation.

"Imagine a UPS truck has just cut you off in traffic. Now think of someone in a brown uniform walking against the light so that you can't turn. Imagine the parking lot full of illegally parked UPS trucks, and all their people walking over to McDonald's."

I was so angry at no one in particular, I wanted to go looking for a UPS truck. Somebody was going to get his ass kicked, and would have no earthly idea why.

Best job ever.

It's good to be loved.

And it ain't plumbing in the women's room.

Speaking of laying some pipe:

I am now the Pontius! Car part II

Hail Caesar Salad!



It was the water pump. Or should I say, it's still the water pump. I realize that money is tight, but holy shit- how about you take the bus?



A week after I warned her about cracking the head, and other ways that overheating WILL completely grenade the motor in her car, I saw the other day that she was still driving it, and just putting more water in it.

This would be somewhat decently better if the motor were leaking from the radiator, or even weeping from the water pump, but on hers the water is boiling out of the overflow hose in the reservoir, which means that the water pump is so completely fucked up that the water ain't getting around the motor at all, which means that the water in the block is overheated, which means that the oil is glazing, which means that it's not lubricating the moving parts which means...get the point?

I saw her filling up the water jug at the utility sink, and I asked,"So, you haven't had your car fixed?"

No. I don't have the money.



Well, I hope you have enough cash for a new car.



Why?



Because if you don't you'll be forced to take the bus- because you haven't been taking the bus.

I know, I know, but Andy, I can't always take the bus. I've gotta take my daughter to the doctor, and the bus makes me transfer twice.



I'm just sayin' don't come running to me when yer motor goes boom. If you keep driving your car, the motor will eventually lock up. I'll let you know what I think is going on with your car, but I'm not laying another finger on it.





I'm done being the house mechanic. At least for those who are too dense to understand what's going on.

Someone hand me the deet

'twer hot yesterday. Wore a kilt to a cookout.

The mosquitos were a bit ruthless and I now have some bites where you don't want them.

NO TEETH!