Sep 12, 2008

Did I mention the black pot of steaming hatred?

After a beer and a good cry on the porch, it was time for the peppers to go in.
I used the pampered chef chopper to dice up the peppers, and then I put them into the smaller zip top snack bags, and then put the smaller bags into a larger one for storage in the freezer. That way I had dolable amounts frozen.

I ripped one bag open and tossed it in the pot, then stirred it around to start to thaw it. The big clump started breaking down into smaller ones, and so I tasted it.
After deciding that it wasn't as hot as I wanted it, I put in some more chili powder, and tasted it again.
Not hot enough- needs another bag of peppers.
Stir, stir, stir, taste- not bad, but not warm enough for me- 3rd round of chili powder and let it simmer for a bit.

Now, I don't know if they know the exact degree over Kelvin at which the oils from frozen peppers melts, but it's reached somewhere between time it takes between"not as hot as I wanted it" and "3rd round of chili pepper," because when I opened the lid and put my face down there to smell, I noticed that every pore on my face started to open up. My dumb ass then thought that tasting it again would be a good idea.
As soon as the stuff hit my lips I started tearing up again. The only way I could cry this much would be to watch a tape of Neil O'Donnel throwing the interception against Dallas while in a funeral mass. I took two spoonfuls and then a big glass of water. I took another taste, and holy mother of crap- IT WAS HOTTER!
Some got stuck in the back of my throat and I felt my uvula being cooked, so I started gargling beer, which is fine until some of it went in my nose. Sneeze fest #3 coming right up.
I then through in a pinch of ground clove , a 1/4 teaspoon of rosemary, and the spaghetti and let it simmer. About 15 minutes later I tasted it again, and somehow it seemed hotter still. I said to hell with it and took the stuff off the stove and then put some into containers for people at work. Suckers.

The next morning I got a glass of water, and used the glass that I had the night before, and burned my lips again. No fair! I'm just getting aspirin and a vitamin, no need to burn my lips! Sweet bucket of shit that stuff was hot.

Upon egress, it felt like someone had barbed wire through my pucker ring.

5 comments:

Yankee John said...

wow. that is awesome stuff there. you are the master chef of writing. of cooking, not so much.

don'tcha come anywhere near me with that lava.

Yankee John said...

wow. that is awesome stuff there.

don'tcha come anywhere near me with that lava.

Ted said...

So I'll only be needing the medium-sized bottle of Crystal on the camping trip?

KAISER ANDY I said...

don't worry. It mellowed out to just hot three days later

Dan said...

Two words I never thought I'd see here: pampered chef.

Are you going to serve your chili when you host your next pampered chef party?

Put the pot of chili down, take off your hand-knitted oven mitts and matching apron, go upstairs to the bathroom and look in the mirror. Now repeat after me, "I am a MAN. I am a MAN. I am a MAN."

Now fart, belch and scratch yourself. That should cure you.