someone get me a snorkel

John, you're going to have fun with this one since you know the place.

Yesterday evening it began to drizzle. As it wore into night, the drizzle became rain. At midnight a thunderstorm parked its ass on top of us. I believe the meteorologist said we received an inch and a half of rain in three hours.

I heard the sump pump running in the basement, and I thought I'd check out how it looked, since I had earlier moved all the stuff out of the way that could get ruined. Holy mother of fuck what I saw- the water was coming in the basement door from AROUND THE SIDES AND FOUR INCHES UP THE DOOR.
Knowing full well that this meant there was seven inches of water at the base of the outside stairs, I thought I would be smart and snake out the drain from outside. I donned my yellow foulies and my water-proof boots and went out to do some work.
Did you know that wood ramps in the rain are slippery? Well, I picked myself and my now half-spilled beer up off the muddy yard and started down the steps. I got to the bottom step and put my foot out. Now, I've never been a math wizard, but I should have known that if my waterproofs go up my leg five inches, and I know that the water is seven inches deep, that would leave me with two inches of ice-fucking-cold water that would, without restraint or compunction, flood my boot faster than a submarine on an emergency dive. I immediately pulled my five pound boot out of the arctic sea, setting off a set of events that are funny now-if you're not me.
I wasn't expecting the extra weight on the quick-jerk reaction and put my arm out to steady myself on the edge of the step well. I was about three inches shy of where I needed to be, so instead of stopping, I found myself falling toward the concrete. "AH-HA!" I thought, "I'll spin around and my back will wind up against the door and I won't fall."
I was pretty sure my deficiencies ended with math and diplomacy, but what I didn't realize is that this decision would mean that I would have to sacrifice my smarter, drier foot.

Having successfully snaked the drain, I heard the rush of the water going through the pipe and then I heard the sump pump start. "Yeah. I have defeated Poseidon's angry hoards at my gate," I believed, failing to realize that he was sending gallons of reinforcements by air.

I looked up at the top step of the bumpy funnel that led to my now re-clogged ass drain and noticed something odd- the water was flowing down so fast from the yard that it wasn't following the normal, time-tested, step-to-step policy to flooding my basement. I instead witnessed a mini waterfall in all of its splendor.

Staying up until four in the AM is nice in college and all, but when you have to snake the drain about 2o times and build a dam out of bags of concrete and mud, not to mention dig a trench with camping maddok, fuck all of that.

While on campus today, I fell asleep sitting on the toilet. I don't know if any republicans came by and took pictures.